Tom: She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge "oh-no-no." She also "doesn't care" about Blu-ray?
April: She's a monster.
Tom: April, this is serious. I might have to break up with Ann.
April: Yeah, well, then break up with her. [sighs]
Tom: But she's my dream girl.
April: Then don't break up with her.
Tom: Except she hates everything I like. I own more pairs of Uggs than she does.

Jerry: What are you doing in my bathroom?
Ron Swanson: Yes, Leslie, what are we doing in Jerry's bathroom?
Leslie Knope: There is a Parks emergency that only you can help us solve, so we need you to get out of the tub. Let's get going.
Jerry: O-okay, jes--w-- I gotta get dressed.
Leslie Knope: No, there's no time.
Ron Swanson: There's time, Jerry. Get dressed.

Jerry: Okay, well, what is the big emergency? Oh, did we lose more seniors in the woods? No, it's a sinkhole, right?
Leslie Knope: Crap on a catapult. They screwed up my campaign signs. Now I gotta deal with this.
Jerry: Okay, but what about the sinkhole?
Ron Swanson: Don't worry, Leslie will deal with this and the sinkhole. Right, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: Yes, Ron. I will, Ron. And I shall do it with aplomb.

Ann: What the hell is wrong with Tom?
April: Don't know.
Ann: It's like I'm dating some idiotic game show host. He is driving me crazy with these stupid questions.
April: Well, soon it won't matter.
Ann: Why? What did he tell you?
April: Nothing.
Ann: Wait, is he gonna break up with me?
April: I don't know. I'm--
Ann: No, no, no, no, no, no. No. That's not how this ends, okay? I break up with him.
April: I think I will celebrate with a drink.

Andy: Quit pulling. Fine, I'll let you off the leash.
Chris: Andy.
Andy: What the [bleep], dude? Where did you come from?
Chris: I think that Champion should stay on his leash. There's unfamiliar terrain and strange smells.
Andy: No, leashes are just for dogs that bite people.
Chris: That's not true.

April: You know, why are you guys even fighting anyway? It's so stupid. "I hate Ann because of this stupid reason." "And I hate Tom for this stupid reason." Who cares?

Leslie Knope: Well, we did everything, Ron. We got new signs. We put them in people's yards. We got Jerry for the surprise-- sinkhole emergency. And, uh, we briefly ran out of gas, and then we walked to the gas station. We got more gas, and now we're all good.
Ron Swanson: Yep, you truly are attempting to do it all.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Jerry: We didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication.
Leslie Knope: Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.

Leslie Knope: Where the hell is everybody?
Ben: Well, it got so late. We just weren't sure you were still coming. Everybody's either in bed or out looking for Champion. Oh, yeah. Champion ran away.
Leslie Knope: Wake everybody up.
Ben: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: No, I am not gonna let this fall apart. We are gonna throw Jerry an amazing Sweet 16 surprise party no matter how agonizing it is for all of us.
Ben: That's the spirit.

Andy: Chris, there's something I have to tell you. I ate one of your soy bones.
Chris: Really?
Andy: Yeah, it was really good. I was gonna give it to Champion, but it just-- it looked so yummy. The point is, I'm a terrible dog owner. And I think, if we find Champion, you should keep him.
Chris: Andy, if it wasn't for you and April, Champion would still be back at the pound. You gave him a home. That's amazing. And he's your dog. If you just call out his name, he will come to you.

Chris: I think he likes your music. Why don't you sing to him?
Andy: Really? I don't have my guitar. I usually--
Chris: Come on.
Andy: I feel naked without it, okay. [sings] Champion, you're lost And soon you'll be found I rescued you from the pound, Something something Oh man On the ground Get on out of here Champion! Champion, hey! Oh, buddy, you came back. You came back to my voice.
Chris: [to camera] Dog whistle.