Ron Swanson: Wait. I want to help.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna teach everybody self-defense, so you can defend yourselves.
Leslie Knope: We need it 'cause we certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom.
Tom: I am not a weakling.
April: Arm-wrestle me right now.
Tom: Okay. I think I'm more than holding my own here. [Tom uses his other hand to hold onto the table]

Andy: Hey. How you doing?
Ann: Not too bad. I was just dropping off Jerry from the hospital. He was mugged in the park.
Andy: No. Jerry? Uh, the black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him.
Ann: No, Jerry who works with Leslie.
Andy: [laughs] That Jerry?
Ann: Yeah.
Andy: He got mugged? [laughs] Oh, oh, wow. I mean, that's kind of a bummer too.

Andy: Hey, while I have you here, what do you think of this?
Ann: Uh...
Andy: "Scrotation Marks".
Ann: I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.
Andy: New band name. 'cause, Mouse Rat, it's a great name, but, at the same time, it sucks. So I think we have to change it just one more time.
Ann: Dude, you've got to stop doing that. How are people gonna become fans If they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to?
Andy: That is a really good point.

Leslie Knope: Remember, you guys, no jokes, no comments, nothing but support.
Tom: He needs a lot of support.
Leslie Knope: Tom.
Tom: I'm talking about a bra for a man.

Jerry: Anyway, hunting and fishing season is winding down. Okay, and we all know that it is already closed season on twout. So now- I said twout Instead of trout.
Donna: It happens to everyone.
Jerry: My marbles are full of mouth today. You know what, has anybody seen my glasses? I don't even think I can... [pants rip, farts]

Tom: It says here 1:00 meeting. Who are we meeting with?
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about it.
Tom: Oh, no, please no.
Leslie Knope: Tom, it's important to meet with the park rangers. They are the first line of defense.
Carl Lorthner: [loudly] Leslie Knope!
Leslie Knope: Hey, Carl.
Carl Lorthner: What's up, pencil pushers? Haverford. Good to see you, man. [laughs] Is it hot in here? I feel hot. Are you guys hot? How you guys doing? I'm good. You guys got any snacks?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Carl is the head of all outdoor security. Why was he transferred from his indoor desk job, you ask. Listen.
Carl Lorthner: [o.s.] It's so sweet. Hey, Leslie, have you seen Avatar? I never saw Avatar. I wanted to read the book first, but then I realized there's no book version of avatar. What'd you guys do for st. Patty's Day? I was wearing this t-shirt that said, "Kiss me. I'm irish." But no one would kiss me.

Carl Lorthner: [loudly] So you're too important for me until one of your own gets attacked.
Leslie Knope: I just feel like there's more we can do to keep the parks safe.
Carl Lorthner: Oh, you think you know how to do my job? Well, you might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size sevens.
Leslie Knope: Kind of small feet.
Tom: Actually, seven is the worldwide average.
Carl Lorthner: Boom!

Ron Swanson: Welcome to the emergency self-defense class. I'll be showing you how to escape from a variety of situations while inflicting maximum damage on your attackers.
Andy: Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way I can show everyone how to escape a pervert.
Mark: Uh, in the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?
Andy: [scoffs] You wish.

Ann: [aside to camera] I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. There was this one, How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story. This woman had agoraphobia, and her therapist was obsessed with her. And he hid in her house, and then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. Also, her daughter was having sex way too young. So yeah, free self-defense class, I'm there.

Carl Lorthner: [loudly] You guys ready?
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy, yeah. Okay, we're ready.
Carl Lorthner: I'm gonna show you guys all the problems we've been facing. I'm gonna show you we've been doing everything we can.
Leslie Knope: I'm looking forward to working together, Carl.
Carl Lorthner: And after that, I'm gonna show you this log I found. It's got, like, 50 worms on it. I call it worm log.
[aside to camera:]
Carl Lorthner: Yeah, I've always been a bit of an outdoorsman. Uh, when I was a kid, my parents used to make me hang out in the backyard a lot and just run around till I got tired. But if there's any criminals out there watching, I never get tired. And ladies too.