Joan Callamezzo: We've all heard the old saying, "Parks are supposed to be fun," but sometimes muggers have their own ideas. Leslie Knope is with us again from the parks department. Leslie. Tell us your story.
Leslie Knope: This is my coworker Jerry Gergich. Diabetic, sloppily out of shape, friend. He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park. Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular coworker? Head of security Carl Lorthner is doing his best to keep the parks safe, but he's failing.
Joan Callamezzo: So what is the solution to fix this? To make it right and not bad?
Leslie Knope: We need money from City Hall, and it's not coming through. And, Pawnee, I am sorry to say this but your government is failing you.
Joan Callamezzo: Up next, ten objects you didn't know you can eat.

Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't you ever [bleep] me like that again. This is Pawnee [bleep] today. Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you? You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.
Leslie Knope: Yes, ma'am. Go. Go. No, no, no.
Joan Callamezzo: [to Carl] Don't make me chase you. You want to go eat something.
Carl Lorthner: [softly] Okay.

Leslie Knope: Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain.
Tom: He doesn't have a black eye.
Leslie Knope: Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye. This is our wakeup call, guys. Jerry's face is the symbol of failure. [snickers] Our failure. To keep the parks safe. I have some folders. Inside are some assignments. And some homemade taffy.

Leslie Knope: And finally we are going to kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.
April: I thought Freddy Spaghetti O.D.'d.
Leslie Knope: No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't O.D., his drummer shot him.

Leslie Knope: Jerry, Jerry, are you okay? Ann, is Jerry okay? What's wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm. Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

Jerry: I was mugged.
Leslie Knope: Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry. I was on my way to the hummingbird feeders, and I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew. Is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

Leslie Knope: Did any of them have weird tattoos or scars or anything? If even one of them had a unique scar, we got 'em.
Jerry: I didn't get a good look.
Leslie Knope: Damn it, Jerry. Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

Leslie Knope: I feel like we're responsible for this.
April: Why? We didn't mug Jerry.
Leslie Knope: Well, why was he in the park in the first place?
Tom: 'cause we tricked him into going there. I don't see the connection.

Leslie Knope: Oh, no, no. This is on us. It's karma.
Tom: Wouldn't it be karma If we were the ones that got mugged?
April: Yeah, that's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right. [all laugh]
Leslie Knope: No, that's not funny.

Leslie Knope: April, I want you to check in with our police liaison. Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park. Tom, you're with me.
April: So when you say you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right?
Leslie Knope: No. Just check in with him.