Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. He went to Kernston's office and basically begged him to meet with me again. I think he technically might have bribed him. But hey, you know, whatever works. It was Mary Pickford who once said, "This thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." Tom won't be down for long.

[aside to camera:]
Andy: We are throwing a Halloween party at our house. It's gonna be the greatest thing ever.
April: Someone will die.
Andy: Of fun!
April: And of murder.
Andy: And there's gonna be beer, pumpkins...
April: Bloody goblins.
Andy: Fake ones. It's gonna be awesome. We have decorations...
April: Dead people that we just murdered.
Andy: Not... murdered. But pictures of dead people from TV or movies.
April: Mutilated bodies.
Andy: B-but fake ones. Candy, dancing, Tequila. All kinds of food and snacks.
April: Blood orphans.
Andy: No blood orphans. I...I don't know what that is.

April: Hmm. Eyeballs wrapped, uhm... vampire teeth.
Andy: Boom! Vampire teeth.
April: Good. Spider webs.
Andy: Done.
April: Mm-hm. Fake blood capsules.
Andy: Oh, they didn't have any.
April: Really?
[April turns around and sees blood dribbling from Andy's mouth]
April: That's gross, I love it.

Tom: I want you on message, and the message is... Leslie Knope. If you're not talking about you, you're talking about the wrong thing.
Leslie Knope: I hate talking about myself.
Tom: Get over it. I talk about myself constantly. Everyone loves me for it. [to camera] I really am amazing.

Tom: This is your primary target. President of the chamber of commerce, Martin Kernston.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes, from Kernston Rubber Nipples. "The nipple king."
Tom: Photos, Bios, likes, dislikes, prescription medications.
Leslie Knope: I've heard of Martin Kernston. I know a little bit about him.
Tom: Oh, really? Well, which of his advisors does he trust more, Ted Flirtman or Rex Spax?
Leslie Knope: Well, it depends, Flirtman is more of a confidant--
Tom: I made up both those names.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'm on it.

Leslie Knope: Allergic to chestnuts. [to camera] And... good haircuts.

Ben: I take it we're having a party.
Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.
Ben: No, no, no, it's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have an enormous party? I-I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.
Andy: That's a good point.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andy: I guess we're even.

Leslie Knope: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tom, this is not what I pictured at all. This looks like a party for Entertainment 7Twenty. Is Entertainment 7Twenty running for office?
Tom: It's a small business. You're trying to show people you have a good relationship with small businesses. Now the party, that's all about you, Boo.
Leslie Knope: Okay, then shouldn't my face be on these rugs?
Tom: I'm sorry, no. It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug. And it's finally happened.

Leslie Knope: Tom, now is not a time for you to explore your weird dreams. Okay? I want all of this gone, all of it. Except that cake. Keep that cake here. Just scrape off the words.

Chris: Donna? Blue shirt... Badge... Nightstick. You... are a policewoman.
Donna: Yup. You're a regular--
Chris: Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.
Donna: Okay, this was fun.