Leslie Knope: I'm just especially thankful that you could come, Mr. President.
Martin Kernston: Martin.
Leslie Knope: Martin.
Martin Kernston: You were responsible for the Harvest Festival, right?
Leslie Knope: No. Yes. Well... It was a team effort. I barely did anything. I held them back actually. They succeeded despite me. I'm sorry. I worked very hard on that event. I'm just.. Bureaucrats aren't used to bragging about themselves.

Ron Swanson: You, beanbag, come with me.
Ann: I'm an eggplant.
Ron Swanson: I don't care. Come with me.
Ann: Why?
Ron Swanson: I need small hands.
Ann: I'm... scared.

Ben: I'm gonna finish my work. Orin, no! No. Stay out.

Ann: Can you at least tell me what you're doing? I'm a homeowner. I would like to actually learn something.
Ron Swanson: Yeah. I'm tightening the valve stem into the valve shank. I'm replacing the handle. And then tightening the set screw, which will hold it in place.
Ann: Now... Oh, my God! We made it work.
Ron Swanson: It's a good feeling. A sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it, I just love it so much.
Ann: Are you okay?
Ron Swanson: Great. I'm gonna go around this house and fix everything I can find that needs fixing. You wanna help?
Ann: I really do.
Ron Swanson: Good. That's next.

[A silohuette of a man appears on Tom's promotional video with the caption "Mark":]
Man: I can't reveal my identity because of various corporate enemies, but suffice it to say, I run a fairly popular social networking site. And let's face it, booking e720 was the smartest decision I ever made. I hope you liked this story. I invented Facebook.
[reality:]
Leslie Knope: Wow. Okay, um... I know that video seemed like the rantings of a lunatic pretending to be Mark Zuckerberg...
Tom: That's who that was?
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: That is impressive.
Leslie Knope: Uh, we're not gonna waste any more of your time.

April: Hey, Ben.
Ben: Hey.
April: Thought you weren't coming to the party.
Ben: Well, I'm just having a butterfinger.
April: Oh, really?
Ben: Is that okay?
April: No. You're not part of the party, you can't have the candy. Back up.

Andy: [aside to camera] I grew up with five brothers and we fought. Using the Dwyer method, which was yelling, wrestling, crying, followed by lots of hugs. And then more wrestling, but the fun kind, and then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.
Ben: Um, can you let me go?
Andy: Not 'til you tell me what's wrong.
Ben: [sighs]

Leslie Knope: Um, Mr. President. I just want to apologize for the actions of that little weasel.
Martin Kernston: Leslie, I'm a frugal man. I don't like extravagance or showmanship. That's why I cut my own hair. And it's what's made me a successful businessman. So if Entertainment 7Twenty is the kind of business you trust, I'm afraid you and I don't share the same values.

Leslie Knope: There you are, you little bastard. Get out of there right now.
Tom: Leslie, can you do me a favor and just let me sit here?
Leslie Knope: Tom, get out of your stupid limousine hot tub right now, or we are no longer friends.
Tom: I'm not getting out.
Leslie Knope: Fine, then I'm getting in. Listen to me.
Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, get away from me.
Leslie Knope: You know what you are? You're a selfish little punk, okay? Just because you want something doesn't mean that everybody has to bow to-- listen to me! You didn't even let me have my one night. Look at me! I don't want to see your face. Look at me. I don't want to see your face! I've been looking at your face all night.

Andy: Excuse us.
Ron Swanson: Nice form, son. Make sure you keep a firm pressure on the cranium.
Andy: On the cranium?