Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] When you work in government, people often suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet-and-greet "Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, and I'm in the business of being city councilor."
Tom: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going to use that.

Chris: Andy! You are UFC legend Chuck Liddell.
Andy: That's right.
Chris: Girl from The Ring.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: To me, Sherlock Holmes is literally the greatest character in the Western canon. Smart, intuitive, handsome. Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get... Sherlock Traeger.

Chris: Mister Potato head.
Jerry: That's right. [laughs] Hey, where's my lovely daughter tonight?
Chris: She's at home. I knew that you would be here. And I was worried that you might be concerned, seeing us together at night.
Jerry: You're a very thoughtful guy. But really, I have no problem with the two of you dating. R-really, I mean, look at you. You're just, you know, beautiful.
Chris: You're beautiful. On the inside where your spirit lives.
Jerry: Listen, tell her come to the party and I don't mind at all.
Chris: Oh, good, I'll text her. [keeps looking at Jerry]
Jerry: Okay, you can text without looking at your phone?
Chris: I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with people that I'm talking to.

Leslie Knope: Hey! You stole the nipple king. Thanks a lot, traitor.
Tom: I'm sorry, I just needed to ask him about this one thing, but we're all good now. Wh-what if I just introduce you for your speech?
Leslie Knope: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face? I don't need your "help" anymore.

Sales Associate: Hi there. Is there a project you're working on?
Ron Swanson: I know more than you.
Sales Associate: All right.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: When April and Andy married, I didn't get them a wedding present. In my experience, wedding presents are nothing more than kindling on a divorce bonfire. But I think I found a way I can really help them make a home.

Leslie Knope: Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy. And what has kept our town alive is you, the small businessman. And I'm not referring to your stature, Gary. You are a giant in this community. So many business represented here today. Food and Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount Cemetery, uh, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium. Who else? Sue's Salads. [audience murmurs] Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes. Jeff's Savings and Loan...
Tom: And Entertainment 7Twenty. [loud rock music plays] Thank you so much for that amazing intro, Leslie. Hi, folks. My name is Tom Haverford, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about Pawnee's premiere entertainment and multimedia conglomerate, [sings] Entertainment 7Twenty Where dreams come, they come true. How about we watch this brief promotional film?

Leslie Knope: Tom, listen to me. Turn that off or give me the remote right now.
Tom: Can we let it play please?
Leslie Knope: You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here because you're gonna need another nipple.

Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you.
Ben: Oh, please, come into my room.
Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it. And I'm gonna beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.

Tom: We made some mistakes. Tonight was my last chance to land a big client. And I failed again. God, it's so embarrassing.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hey, Tom, you're a smart guy. And charming. Occasionally.

Tom: [voice on video] The year was 1975. It was a time of trouble. Watergate, Vietnam, Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis. But then, a ray of hope... [baby crying] Leslie Barbara Knope was born on January 18, 1975. And she has been a loyal patron of its businesses ever since. Her name is Leslie Knope. And I'm gonna vote for her. And if Lil' Sebastian were still alive, he'd surely vote for her. And I reckon you should too.
Tom: Did ya like it? It's pretty great, right? Worked really hard on it.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I loved it. I'm gonna watch it every day for the rest of my life. And when I die, I'm gonna project it on my tombstone.