Andy: What's the play here, officer? You gonna set up a perimeter, maybe bug a few phones? Ooh, I know. We could put out a dummy computer for them to steal, fill it with explosives first, [clicks tongue]... Boom, take 'em all out.
Police Officer: Yeah, we're not doing any of that.
Chris: Andy, I love your enthusiasm, but we don't really have the kind of money to launch a massive investigation.
Andy: You're just gonna fill out this stupid report and that's it? As a future cop, you have to understand, I cannot let this guy go.
Police Officer: Look, man, this is what most police work is. Just writing stuff down. It's not superhero time. If it sounds boring, maybe you ought to do something else.
Chris: Maybe we should find the person who stole his positive attitude.

Ann: [sighs] All right, I'm gonna have to force this. Leslie, maybe you want to admit that you haven't been the greatest role model.
April: I don't care. Orin's my role model.
Ann: April, maybe you want to admit that you've been a little selfish and inconsiderate.
Leslie Knope: Look, all I ever wanted was for you to show the enthusiasm you showed for your dog park, and, when you did, I blew it. And I'm sorry.
April: Fine. I'm sorry that I outsmarted you at every turn.
Ann: April.
April: And I know I have a lot to learn from you, and I'm sorry that I disrespected your stupid dream.
Ann: A lot of love in this room.

April: Okay, Ann, since you're such a genius, what do we do now?
Ann: Neither of you want Jamm to win, nor do I, because I hate Paunch Burger, but, if there is one in my backyard, I will eat there, like, every night, and that is no good. So I say we stop playing dirty with each other, and we start playing dirty with Jamm.
April: Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.
Leslie Knope: No. I have an idea. It's very uncool, but it's not illegal, technically, but it is a dick move.
April: I love it.

Chris: City Hall needs a new part-time security guard for the weekends. You want to do that? Look at it as a way to feel out whether you want to be a police officer. But, keep in mind, if you take this job, you must keep your clothes on at all times, even if you get sad.
Andy: No deal. Okay, I'll do it.
Chris: That a boy.
Andy: I'll do it. I promise. And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.
Chris: Incorrect.

Councilman Jamm: Hey. What the hell is going on?
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello, Councilman. The dogs are here because there's no dog park in your neighborhood, and the kids are here because there's no human park in your area. They all needed a place to play.
Councilman Jamm: My front lawn?
April: That's right, and they're gonna keep using it until there's an actual park nearby.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, hey, lady, get that thing off my gnome. He is dry-humping my garden gnome. Stupid beast.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm, we just need a little bit more time to design our park. And, if you plow through and ignore us, this is gonna be your life.
Councilman Jamm: I'll call the police.
Ann: Yeah, sic the police on a bunch of kids and puppies. That's a great photo op.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Gentleman's agreement. In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote. Winner take all.
Leslie Knope: Deal.
Councilman Jamm: Great, now call off the actual dogs. I want these kids off my lawn. I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette. Right now.
Leslie Knope: Hey, Jamm. You just got Knoped. And Ludgated. And Perkinsed.
Councilman Jamm: Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work. You just got jammed.

Leslie Knope: Okay, so let's get to work.
Ann: Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things?
Leslie Knope: I just said, "Let's get to work." How else do people enjoy things?

Barney: I know you changed your mind the last time we offered you a job, but we are just thrilled that you changed it again.
Ben: Thank you. Me too.
Barney: This is our best office. As you can see through the window, you have a great view of the billing department. Hey, Sharon!
Sharon: Shh.
Barney: Sorry. She's fun. So, please, if there's anything we can do to make you happier in your new job, just let me know.
Ben: Oh, no, this is great, Barney. Thank you. [looks at desk] But I have to quit... again.
Barney: What? Oh! Is this a classic Ben joke?
Ben: No. I'm really sorry. But I just don't want to do this. I need to move my life in another direction.
Barney: This is disappointing. Again. Maybe someday we'll figure out the magic formula that gets you to work here.
Ben: Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.
Barney: [laughs] Ted, get in here! Ben's quitting again, but you gotta hear what he said.