Chris: Excuse me. We're looking for a couple wedding rings.
Herman Lerpiss: You're gonna wanna look through the jewelry and nails tray. There is some beautiful jewelry in here. But be careful. There's also nails.
Chris: Oh! Oh, these aren't bad.
Herman Lerpiss: Those are real nice. And they were nipple rings, at one point.
Chris: How do you know that?
Herman Lerpiss: Mm.
Ben: They were yours. They were his. Let's go.

Andy: Hey, it's pretty crazy, I'm gonna be a cop tomorrow. I guess I better commit as many crimes as possible tonight. Get it out of my system.
April: [gasps] Ooh, found the marriage licenses. And I am going to take all of them. I don't want anyone else in this town to get married, because it makes it less special for us.
Andy: Good call, babe. Let's roll.

Andy: Hey, we got it! We got it. Marriage license done.
Leslie Knope: Wait a minute, hold on. It needs to be signed by somebody at the City Clerk's Office.
April: I'll just forge it. I forge government documents all the time.
Andy: That's true. Boom.
Leslie Knope: No.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ann, dress duty. April and Andy, license duty. No time for verbs.
Andy: [laughs] I know you're in a rush, Leslie. I should point out that you said "duty" twice.

Donna: Aw, shucks, business is a-boomin'.
Jerry: Indiana celebrity look-alikes. I mean, this is a brilliant idea, Donna. All my favorites are here. We got Orville Redenbacher, La Toya Jackson, Axl Rose, David Letterman.
Donna: Look, don't tell anyone, but I booked a special surprise. There's a Li'l Sebastian look-alike on the way-- what?
Jerry: What? Oh, my G-- [guffaws] Oh! Oh. [grunts]
Donna: Did you just pee your pants?
Jerry: Just a dab. I better go clean up.
Donna: You nasty, Jerry.

Ben: I am out of ideas. [snaps fingers] Jewelry store. No, that's closed, that's why we're doing this.
Ron Swanson: Perhaps I can be of service.
Ben: How?
Ron Swanson: How much do you think Ann would miss this sconce?
Ben: Oh, I don't know. It's part of her house.
Ron Swanson: [pulls fixture off wall]
Ben: Well, okay.

Leslie Knope: Hey, everything going okay?
Donna: Everything would be peachy if it weren't for that dumbass with a megaphone.
Councilman Jamm: [chanting] No one wants a park here. Parks are stu-pid. [talking] Hey, butter-teeth, what's up? I can fix those chompers for you. Just come to Jamm Orthodontics.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm, what are you doing here?
Councilman Jamm: What are you doing here? Parks are stu-pid.
Leslie Knope: Hey, enough.
Councilman Jamm: You better give me back that megaphone. That belongs to my aunt.
Leslie Knope: Why don't I call you a cab?
Councilman Jamm: Mm. No, this isn't over, Knope.
Leslie Knope: It is over. I won fair and square. And, in a half an hour, I am getting married over there to the most perfect man in the world. And all my dreams are coming true. [chanting] Knope rules, Jamm sucks. Knope rules, Jamm sucks. Knope rules, Ja-- Councilman Howser.
Councilman Howser: Leslie. Jeremy.
Councilman Jamm: You better make sure my aunt gets her megaphone back.

Councilman Jamm: Boo, boo. Boo, Leslie Knope, boo. Here comes the boo All dressed in boo Boo, Leslie Knope. Boo, boo-oo-oo-oo Boo!
Ben: Dude, what are you doing?
Councilman Jamm: I'm being awesome. Boo, boo, Leslie, boo.
Ron Swanson: My friend, I don't think you understand what a bad idea this is.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think you understand that I would have got a cut of that new Paunch Burger if she hadn't screwed everything up. So sorry, guys! This wedding is canceled, 'cause the bride is a b-hole.
Leslie Knope: Hey!
Councilman Jamm: Check this out. Stink bomb! Who knows what that does?
Ann: Stink bomb? Are you joking?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God! Where did you even get a stink bomb?
Councilman Jamm: Amazon, baby, that's how. You are looking at a Prime customer, everybody. Two days free shipping for this guy.

Councilman Jamm: Let's get this party started with another one, gang!
Ben: No!
Tom: It's terrible! Jerry, you do the wedding. Who cares? [runs off]

Ben: Come on, man, just go home.
Councilman Jamm: And who's gonna make me?
Ron Swanson: It's your wedding day. I'll handle this.
Councilman Jamm: Here comes the bride.
Ron Swanson: Time to go, sir.
Councilman Jamm: No. Hey, get off me, what the hell, man? Don't you touch me.
Ron Swanson: I'll give you that one. But if you do it again--
Councilman Jamm: If I do what again? What, kick your ass? Is that what you like? You want me to just pound-- [Ron punches Councilman Jamm square in the face]
April: Yay, best wedding ever.