Leslie Knope: Well, this is better than meatloaf. When Jerry first applied for this job, one of this goals was to have a building named after him. Again, that is an absurd request considering your work record. But I thought maybe he could have a room named after him. So henceforth, Parks and Rec conference room will serve as a testament to your years of public service.
Jerry: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: Hear, hear.
Jerry: "Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room. R.I.P."? [Ron chuckles]
Ben: Oh, the guy at the plaque store thought you had died. It was a rush job, so we didn't have time to change it.
Leslie Knope: It doesn't matter. We can just pretend it means retire in peace.

April: What are you doing here, Jerry? I thought you were fired.
Jerry: I wasn't fired. I retired.
Andy: That's what they all say.
Ron Swanson: I asked Jerry to come in. That new intern wasn't working out, so I got rid of him.
Donna: Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms.
Ron Swanson: Once again, noted. I have also asked Jerry to come in a couple hours a week until we find a permanent replacement.
April: Ugh, just when we were rid of him?
Tom: Yeah, I don't know, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Are you hearing me, son? Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.
Tom: Welcome back, Jerry.
Jerry: Thank you. Oh, it feels good just to be ba-- [trips]
Andy: [chuckles] Classic new guy.

Ben: Hey. I didn't find the article about you teaching sex-ed to seniors, but I did find this folder labeled "Senior sex-ed thank you notes."
Leslie Knope: Oh, don't open that. There's pictures in there.
Ben: Oh! There are pictures. There are lots of pictures. Why would you not throw these away or incinerate them?
Leslie Knope: Because every memory deserves to be chronicled. Even the saggy ones.

Leslie Knope: Hey, April. I'll be gone for the next 19 1/2 hours, so can you water my plants in my office?
April: We are all out of water, actually. I'll have to use boiling hot milk.
Leslie Knope: Are you really gonna do that?
April: Yes.

Leslie Knope: Here I am thinking about how fast my first year in city council has gone, and Jerry has had 40 years whiz past him with nothing to show for it. This is everything in his file: a handicapped parking sticker from when he got gout, a Parks and Rec golf cart driving exam which he failed, a scathing performance review. I mean, why would anyone be so mean? Oh, wait. I wrote this. I stand by it.

Ann: Okay. My transfer was approved. So starting now, I am an employee of the County Health Board. You are no longer my boss, and we can have a baby without being a conflict of interest. Clear sailing.
Chris: Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my excellent employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

Donny: So here's the drill. Make a deposit in here. If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board. Then we take the sample, spin it in the centrifuge, and prepare it for fertilization.
Chris: Sounds romantic. I guess it's go time.
Ann: Go time! Wait, what am I doing? I don't go with you.
Chris: Oh, no, no. I go in alone with this pornographic disc and do it myself. And you stay out here and try not to think about what I'm doing in there. And I try not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me. Should I think about you? This is so weird.

Andy: One, three, seven, two, five, nine. Pffft! Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: There's a natural successor to Jerry's sad, smelly crown. And it's not me. It's Andy. Big guy? Check. Goofy? Check. All I have to do is wait for a textbook Dwyer screw-up, which usually happens, mm, every 20 minutes.

Donna: Barking up the wrong tree, Filo.
Tom: What do you mean?
Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He's like a giant puppy with no shame. What you need is some fresh meat in the office.
Tom: Or you guys could just stop making fun of me.
Donna: Yeah. No.

Leslie Knope: Okay, on to the next Jerry goal: meet Mayor Knudson.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. He was the mayor at the time. [laughs] I've always wanted to meet him.
Leslie Knope: Well, today you're getting that chance.
Ben: So was he like a really great mayor?
Leslie Knope: No, not really. He resigned because of corruption and racketeering, and then he died from an overdose of pills. But actually his real cause of death was being thrown out of a helicopter while handcuffed. Some people say he's still alive because they never found the body, but they never found the body because he exploded on impact.