Ben: And thanks to Ron, the services budget has already been cut significantly. So seems like the best option is job cuts. Starting with Leslie Knope.
Ron Swanson: [chuckling] No, no, no, no, no. If you fire Leslie, you might as well just get rid of the department.
Ben: Look, I know how valuable she is, believe me. But we've run out of options.
Ron Swanson: There are plenty of other options. For example, sell the zoo animals.
Ben: Okay, to whom?
Ron Swanson: Cosmetics labs. Weird restaurants. I'm just spit-balling here.

Ron Swanson: Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work. So you should lay me off. I'd be proud to be a casualty In this righteous war.
Ben: It's precisely because of your beliefs that we need to keep you. You would maintain fiscal responsibility after we're gone.
Ron Swanson: I strenuously object.
Ben: Well, Ron, we're moving on. Every department's losing a Leslie Knope.
Ron Swanson: No, Ben, they are not. No other department has one to begin with. Right now, she's single-handedly putting up some lousy concert for the city's kids.
Ben: She's doing what?

Leslie Knope: All I can tell you Is that all the parks are closed until further notice. [all groan] Look, no one is more upset about this than I am. It's not like it's a competition or anything, 'cause if it was, I would win. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, I would win.
Woman #1: How long will they be closed?
Ron Swanson: Could be forever.
Man: With the government shut down, who's gonna stop Al Qaeda?
Leslie Knope: One thing at a time.
Woman #2: School is out in two weeks. What am I going to do with my kids all day, keep them in my house? Where I live?
Leslie Knope: I don't know what to tell you.
Woman #3: What about the kids concert tomorrow at Ramsett Park? The Freddy Spaghetti concert.
Leslie Knope: Freddy Spaghetti has been canceled. [all groan]

Chris: How can I help you?
Leslie Knope: Well, I believe there has been a casualty of war in this government shutdown, and it saddens me. And it is Pawnee's children.
Chris: What? Jeez. Well, sit down and tell me exactly what's happened.
Leslie Knope: Well, every year we kick off the summer with a children's concert series, and this year, the concert has been canceled due to the shutdown.
Chris: That's terrible. And we need to fix it.
Leslie Knope: Oh! All right. Great. I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still kind of...
Chris: Oh, plea- I'd love to hear it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, good, thank you. "You're wrong. Are you crazy? Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?"

Ben: Leslie Knope. What a surprise.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: The government has been shut down for two days. And one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?

Leslie Knope: Crank it. Hit it. Needs 16 minutes for premium bounce. Oh, hey, after this, can you go pick up Freddy Spaghetti In your Mercedes? We need to give him the star treatment.
Donna: He better be showered. I just detailed my car and he is notoriously funky.

Leslie Knope: How soon until he's better?
Dr. Harris: We'll set the fractures. I'd like to keep him overnight for observation.
Andy: Uh, is there any chance you can fix me in the next ten minutes?
Dr. Harris: Sure. I'll just advance medical science 30 years.
Andy: Great.

Leslie Knope: Can Mouse Rat play without you?
Andy: They tried once. They're called Rat Mouse. And they're awful. But you have got to find somebody. There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Mark: I liked this a lot better when it was a pit. [Leslie chuckles] Is that weird?
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry I called you mark Brendana-quits.
Mark: Don't ever apologize to me. I'm serious. If- If everyone in government were like you, then I would probably still work there.
Leslie Knope: I got you a going away present.
Mark: You did?
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm. Here. Red tape, so you'll never forget your roots.

Chris: Hey! Hey. Hey, hey! [laughing] Hey. All right! Everybody! Everybody, everybody. Hey, Ann Perkins, hi. Hi. Everyone... You are all super amazing. You are what makes Pawnee great, and I just want to tell you that I am totally supportive of your inspiring efforts here today! [cheers and applause]
Leslie Knope: That, we'll take.
Chris: Yeah! Now my partner Ben wants to say something.
Ben: Yeah, we're shutting this down.
Chris: Damn! That's terrible news. Surely there has to be a solution, Ben.
Ben: No.
Chris: Ben says no. I'm sorry, everyone.