Chris: You see this color? I don't like it. It's too depressing.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Chris.
Chris: Leslie Knope. One second. I'd like some water. I'd like it to be cold, I'd like it to be without ice, I'd like it in a glass or a mug with no handle. Thank you.

Leslie Knope: I've said it before and I'll say it again, Ben, Pawnee is better than Idaho.
Ben: No, Pawnee is not special, okay?
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ben: Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority. And, frankly, you're not even supposed to be In the building, Leslie. You're non-essential.
Leslie Knope: That is not your call.
Ben: I know. It's on your badge.
Leslie Knope: This? This isn't me.

Chris: I'd love to go out on a date with you. I think you might find me attractive, because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met. And, no pressure, but I do have tonight open.
Ann: I'm so sorry. I'm really busy right now.
Chris: No problem, I will try again soon, Ann Perkins. [exits]
Paula: That's the guy who likes you that you're not into.
Ann: Yeah.
Nurse: And which part of him are you not looking at?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile. And I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.

Leslie Knope: I can't stand this government shutdown! I can't stand this budget crisis. But what I can't stand Is they're canceling Freddy Spaghetti. You know everything. What should I do about this?
Mark: I don't know, Leslie. Why don't you see a movie or go shopping or try--
Leslie Knope: Wait a minute, what are you doing? What's happening?
Mark: Um... You know, they offered me a buyout, and I took it. And so now I work for Norton Construction.
Leslie Knope: [knocks files out of Mark's hands] Sorry, I know I shouldn't have done that.
Mark: That's okay.
Leslie Knope: How could you quit?
Mark: You know, not everyone has your enthusiasm for this work.
Leslie Knope: You know, I guess I've been mispronouncing your name all these years. Mark Brendana-quits.

Tom: What are you doing here?
Leslie Knope: Hey, sorry. I need your help. Is this a bad time?
Tom: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas, I just took four benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes! It is a bad time.
Leslie Knope: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boys II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now?

Leslie Knope: Okay, I just want to give you a little advice, which is don't make it last really long. Ladies don't like that.
Tom: Okay, great.
Leslie Knope: Okay? Wait, just one more thing. Are you using protection?

Leslie Knope: The only guy that I care about right now Is six feet tall with wild, crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun. [Ann is puzzled] Freddy Spaghetti.
Ann: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Children's concerts aren't a priority these days. You know what is? Sewage. Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes. I don't know, I mean, what are you gonna do? That's the way it is and...
Ann: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If all the parks are closed, why not just have the concert in the lot behind my house?
Leslie Knope: Ann, you devious bastard.

Ann: Do you think anybody's gonna show up?
Leslie Knope: A, yes. B, even if they don't, we'll just put the concert on ourselves. But, C, yes, yes--they're definitely gonna show up. Although, D, maybe not.

Jerry: Hello?
Leslie Knope: Oh. God bless you, Jerry Gergich!
Jerry: Wow! Never thought I'd hear those words from you.
April: Hey.
Leslie Knope: April's here. Move, Jerry.

Leslie Knope: Jerry, how do you feel about lifting heavy things?
Jerry: Ooh, my doctor just said I should avoid--
Leslie Knope: Being a wuss? Yes, I agree. So go out there and get the equipment out of the truck.