Ben: "Chardbodies: Get a chard on"?

Andy: [plays guitar and sing] April's sitting on my lap I shouldn't tell her that I gotta take a crap Oh, no
April: Don't.
Andy: I should just go

Craig: Oh, my God. You play guitar?
April: No, that's a super small piano.
Craig: Okay, I'm gonna need the sarcasm to take a long walk right now. My terrible nephew Sebastian is having his sixth birthday party this weekend, and the clown they hired has shingles. [Andy gasps] You think your band could play for an hour?
April: How much?
Craig: 75.
Andy: $75,000?
April: How about 300?
Andy: $300,000?
Craig: 150.
April: They'll do it. Ah, thank you. That is such a relief.
Craig: I love my nephew very much, but he's a horrible little tyrant, so don't ruin this day for him!

Tom: I'll say it again: The men's room needs a separate dispenser for face wash. I can't wash my face with hand soap. Look at these pores. They're gaping.

Ron Swanson: [loudly] Larry, salami!
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The human resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees. The rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.
[back:]
Jerry: And Kyle parked his car in my spot again. Now, that is the fourth time this month.
[Ron hears only "Hello Walls" by Willie Nelson]

Ben: No, it's ridiculous to think that you could survive a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator. But still, it's like-
Leslie Knope: Okay, so I found a legal precedent to shut down those vegetable smut peddlers.
Ben: What is happening?
Leslie Knope: Firewall, man. We pulled into the parking lot, and this is technically city hall property, so now we're at work. Let's do this. The Farmers Market is a community meeting place, and that pan-sexual stripper show basically negates the whole purpose. So if you're looking for a reason to kick them out, here's 158. The new Farmers Market Rule Book.
Ben: Okay, when did you make this?
Leslie Knope: I stayed up all night. I also made these: Leslie's toffee surprise. The surprise is there's toffee in the inside. You can eat those once you revoke the chard vendor's license. Good day, colleague.

Ron Swanson: What is the meaning of this, nurse?
Ann: Emergency Whine & Cheese club. Put your headphones on, Ron. I have a lot of complaints. Sit down. I need to vent. And do not under any circumstances respond to anything I say. All right. Let's talk about vomit, kids. I do it all day long.

Burly: No, no, I'm not playing for a bunch of screaming kids. Mouse Rat is a rock band. We're not the Wiggles.
Andy: Come on!
Rivers: I'm sick of all the drama with this band. I-I quit. I'm going back to rabbinical school. ][cymbals crash]
Andy: Umbilical school? Rivers, come back. Rivers, don't do this. Hey! Shaq might be there!

Leslie Knope: Hey, did you get a chance to sign off on that booklet I gave you?
Ben: Well, I read it, but it seems like your Farmers Market rules may be specifically targeting chardbodies.
Leslie Knope: What? How?
Ben: "No visible cleavage. No strobe lights. No chard-related innuendo."
Leslie Knope: Those apply to all vendors. Either way, it's too late. The train has left the station.
Ben: Okay, what train, from which station?

Nolan: Look, chard is disgusting. You try selling it without sexy dancers. It's impossible. It's like, "Hey, you like lettuce? Try this. It's worse. It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach."
Leslie Knope: I like to think of it as celery with B.O. But if it's so gross, you should just sell something else.