Schmidt: Just wallpaper! I have fancy athletic shoe wallpaper. Elizabeth, what are you doing here?
Elizabeth: I got here early, so I wanted to come up.
Schmidt: That shirt is, uh... 12 years old.
Elizabeth: It's the shirt I met you in.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, I remember that.
Elizabeth: Y2 Kitty Kat.
Schmidt: As relevant today as it was then.
Jill: Schmidt, do you have a moment?
Schmidt: I have unlimited moments. I was reviewing the numbers... [seeing Elizabeth] Custodial keeps sending us these spooky Eastern European girls.
Elizabeth: You want to see spooky? Call me spooky again. I'll spook the ass fat right out of your lips.

Elizabeth: I knew you couldn't change back!
Schmidt: But why are you wearing that shirt?!
Elizabeth: I'm not gonna let you make me feel bad about myself! I love this shirt!
Schmidt: Y2 Kitty Kat?
Elizabeth: I don't need this. I was fine before you showed up. In fact, I said no to a date tonight to be with you! I'm gonna text him "Yes." And guess what. I don't care what you think. See ya, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Without validation, the parking rates are absurd.

Jess: Jamie, enough with the globes. We get it. You're angry. [bell rings] Okay, that's lunch. Be back in an hour.

Dr. Foster: Jess! I'm Dr. Foster.
Jess: Oh.
Dr. Foster: Peg has gone on and on and on and on and on about you.
Jess: So nice to meet you. I'm just running out for lunch...
Dr. Foster: Uh! No, no, need. No need.
Jess: During the lunch that I...
Dr. Foster: But you don't need. We can have lunch here. My secretary is bringing food. So we'll have a chitchat, tête-à-tête, exchange-ideas kind of lunch. To see how you'll fit in to the Coolidge culture.
Jess: Um, well, long story short, I really would love this job, I love teaching kids...
Dr. Foster: Ha! Now, what if you weren't referring to children...
Jess: Oh. Uh-huh?
Dr. Foster: ...but to baby goats?
Jess: Huh. That's an interesting question.
Dr. Foster: Well, we used to have a school goat named Melvin. He hanged himself, tragically, on the swing set. So... we bought another goat. Also named Melvin.

Bob Day: W-What, do you owe money on the rent? I mean, what-what is going on here?
Jess: Dad, I don't know what's going on. We haven't had a chance to talk it out yet.
Bob Day: Well, when did this happen?
Nick: Last night.
Jess: Nick!
Nick: Why am I telling you this?

Winston: Yeah, I got my own damn cake, and you can't have none!

Bob Day: [to Winston] You sure you want to be eating so much cake with a body like that?

Jess: Guys? Guys? [shouts] I've had a bad day! Sit down! All of you! What is with everyone today? Everything started so good. Boy. My roommate. [chuckles] It was good, I'm not gonna lie. It was very good. But I can't date my dad. Look... life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said "ass." But it does, it kicks you in the ass. And, um... the messy parts are the... best parts. [boy offers Jess a cigarette] Thank you, Miguel. The gesture is very sweet. These are very bad for you.
Miguel: I've got a car. I could take you to the movies.
Jess: No, you don't... You do? [sees Dr. Foster, throws the cigarette pack away]

Schmidt: You want to dance? I'm wearing the shirt that you got me. Did you think I threw it away? Frogetaboutit.
Elizabeth: Go home, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I don't want to go home, Elizabeth. Look, I want to be with you. And I- I don't care who knows it. Hey, Geppetto. Make with the "oom pah pah."

Jess: We have a pump that can blow that thing up in, like, two seconds.
Bob Day: I prefer to do this the old-fashioned way. I know that's not the way things are done around here. So long as I'm in town, I am going to sleep between you and him.
Jess: Dad, you don't have to worry about me. I know you think this is gonna be a mess, but it's my mess.
Bob Day: Jess, I'm your father I'll always worry about you.