Bob Day: Wait-wait a minute. Hold-hold on, hold on. What are you doing? Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, meat-meat-meat-meat-meat- meat-meat-meat-meat, cheese, lettuce.
Nick: You're a sandwich genius. Is there anything you don't know everything about?
Bob Day: Try me.
Nick: All right, I will try you. I've got a question about Yolanda Winston.
Bob Day: Sure.
Nick: Well, we've only slept together once, but, Bob, I don't know what she wants.
Bob Day: Well, the first thing you got to figure out is what do you want.
Nick: Well, I don't know how you get a podcast, but you should look into it.

Cece: Um... All gone?
Jess: Burkas isn't you guys, is it?

Jess: Okay, look, um, Cece, I think maybe you should call Shivrang.
Cece: I don't want him to see me like this, Jess! Like, what have you done?!
Jess: What have I done? You're the dummy who fell asleep on your hands!
Jess: I'm so sorry. That shouldn't have come out of my mouth. That was really uncool. I've just had a crazy 24 hours, and... I slept with Nick last night.
Cece: You slept with Nick?
Jess: I don't know. I think it might be the start of something, like, really amazing.
Cece: Mm-hmm, sure.
Jess: I don't want to get my hopes up, but it could be something. Could not be something.
Cece: Makes sense.
Jess: I don't know.
Cece: I have a full beard!

Cece: Jess called you?
Shivrang: Yeah, she said you needed me. She also told me to watch out for the girl who looked like Mandy Patinkin.
Cece: We can't get married like this.
Shivrang: Hey, look, if this is our biggest problem, I'll take it. I'll make a call and fix it.

Jess: Nick, hands up, back away. What is this? Dad, you're coming with me now.
Bob Day: You want to get rid of me? So you two can do it again?
Jess: What?! You told him?! God, I knew you would blurt it out.
Nick: Shows how much you know; I didn't blurt it out. I told him on purpose.
Jess: Why would you do that?! What is wrong with you?!
Nick: I wanted him to like me. In fact, I want all fathers to like me. I wonder what that's about.

Nick: Fantastico.
Jess: Are you checking my pulse?
Nick: You were very still. [both laugh] Well, that was really fun. [both laugh] I don't know what to say here. Um... I got an idea. Stay right here, okay?

Nick: This is for Wilson. Yeah, Wilson, here's your grapefruit, pie and eggs, just like you like.
Winston: Is it because it's my birthday?
Nick: It's your birthday? That's why I made it, 'cause it's your birthday.
Winston: I know you're lying, and I'm hurt, but I'm gonna eat this anyway.
Nick: See you later, Wilson.

Jess: [on the phone] Hey, Winston.
Winston: What's up? Anything you want to wish me?
Jess: Look, Winston, I need you to pick up Cece's wedding sari and take it to her house.
Winston: You want me to take it to her house?
Jess: Yeah. Just go pick it up.
Winston: Ah, wedding sari, for the celebration of the wedding. Yes, nothing else.
Jess: Yeah, I don't know what you're doing, but just do it, okay? Um, I have to go.
Winston: It's happening!

Jess: Hey, guys. All right. Okay, listen! Or don't! But the hell if I'm not gonna teach! I'm gonna bring the words of Mark Twain alive with only the human voice.

Bob Day: What about you? You got a girl?
Nick: No. No, no, no, no, no.
Bob Day: No, really?
Nick: No, no, no, no. No girls for me. No.
Bob Day: Seriously? A good-looking guy like you? It'd seem like women would just flock to you.
Nick: No, no, it's not like that.
Bob Day: Let's talk about you and girls!
Nick: I don't want to talk about this.
Bob Day: ...and a young guy.
Nick: This isn't something we should talk about, Bob, trust me!