Coach: Uh, this says 3:20 to 3:40. I got 20 minutes to talk about a cat?
Nick: Yeah, didn't you read the e-mail? We all have 20 minutes to talk cat. What a bad friend you are, man. What a bad friend.
Coach: You know what? Keep it up, ham-calves.
Nick: You called me "ham-calves"?
Jess: What is going on with you two?!
Both: Nothing.
Jess: What did I state clearly in the program? No beefs.

Dunston: Uh, h-hello? Uh, h-hello, everyone. I am Dunston, Winston's coworker, and I have been asked to officiate this memorial. [feedback] Oops. Yeah, sorry, sorry about that. Uh, my hands lose all strength sometimes. I take medication for it, but it makes my mouth dry, and I wanted to be able to speak at today's event. That's why I didn't take it for the past week. Also, I ran out. So I-I guess I'll, uh... kick things off. Uh, "Pick up hand strength medication..." Oh, that's the wrong piece of paper. Uh...
Winston: Talk about the cat, man.
Dunston: The cat, the cat, that's right.

Jess: Would you look at this? "Furgusson" with two Ss. The sca-bozos at the bake shop gunked it up again.

Jess: You know what the real problem is?
Cece: Hmm?
Jess: Nick and Coach. They're at each other about some stupid thing. I mean, Coach probably said something pejorative about Chicago football's the Bears. I don't know.

Jess: What is it?
Coach: [sighs deeply] I owe him a little money.
Jess: Oh, God, I knew it was something stupid like that. Coach, pay Nick back. Nick, forgive Coach. [Nick chuckles] Or you know what? I can pay you back. How much is it?
Nick: $71,000.
Jess: Huh?

Dunston: Uh, please welcome to the stage our precinct's acappella group, LAPD So La Ti Do.
Group: [to tune of "Mad World"] All around me Are feline cat faces Warm cat places Whiskered faces... Growing more hair Growing more hair With ears up top, they can't wear glasses... No spray bottle... Meow, meow, meow, meow Cat world...

Schmidt: What about this scenario? What if I died jumping in front of a bullet with Ruth's name on it? I know, unthinkable scenario. But what if? And what if she's president at the time, then I've saved the president and our daughter. Double hero.
Cece: You know what? Just pick a number you're comfortable with. Okay? A hundred years? I'd wait a hundred years, okay?
Schmidt: Not okay. Not long enough.
Cece: Are you kidding me? We'd both be dead of natural causes.
Schmidt: Perhaps the correct answer would be for eternity, forever.

Jess: I don't need to know all of this. Let's just get back to Furguson, back to the memorial.
Nick: No, Jess, because you don't keep any secrets, so I don't want to keep any.
Jess: Well...
Nick: Jess, you are always 100% honest. So it's important that I am, too.
Jess: I mean...
Nick: No, I want to tell you everything. I don't want any skeletons on our shoulders.

Jess: There's one skeleton for me.
Nick: You have a secret?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Jessica Day has a secret.
Jess: Don't make fun.
Nick: What, did you eat corn on the cob without the little holders?
Jess: It's actually very emotional for me.
Nick: [mocking] Oh, it is? What was your big lie? Let's hear it.
Jess: I killed Furguson. That's why I've spent so much time on this memorial. One year ago, I killed Winston's cat.

Winston: You hear that?
Jess: Hear what?
Winston: I hear a meow.
Cece: You hear a meow?
Winston: Shh!
Aly: Oh, God, he's not gonna cry, he's gonna go insane.
Winston: Wait, wait, wait. I-I'm sorry... I'm hearing something. I hear a cat, and it is in distress. There is a cat in the building, and it needs me! Meow!