[flashback:]
Walt Miller: Hey. I didn't bring you two dummies all the way to New York so you can park your cans on the couch, watch TV and flick each other's Bics.
Younger Nick: Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in and ordered a pornographic movie, so there's a mistake on the bill. [both chuckling]
Walt Miller: Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines.

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: I'm gonna do it to you.
Octopussy: You're gonna do what to me?
Younger Nick: [sobs] I don't know.
Octopussy: Are you crying?
Younger Nick: Please, excuse me, but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work.

[flashback:]
The Guy: Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, so this may kind of take a while.
Younger Jess: The only antidepressants you need are in my pants.
The Guy: Uh, it's really a medical issue.
Jess: I'm so sorry. That was really uncool. And... take as much time as you need.
[present:]
Jess: So, two hours later... still nothing. It was like a wind sock on a windless day.
[flashback:]
Younger Jess: Give me an update, brother. How's your wang?
The Guy: [crying]
Younger Jess: Do you have, like, an... Is there, like, an angle you could... like... I mean...
The Guy: It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, you know, and you're by yourself and you don't...
Younger Jess: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The Guy: And there's no one with you.
Younger Jess: Well, what can I do to help? Listen, why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay?
Younger Jess: Oh, my God! [groans] We're stuck.
The Guy: Hey, uh, don't really know why, but... ready now.

Schmidt: Ugh. I'm sick of firemen always winning.

Jess: Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, and Teddy took me by surprise. It was the heat of the moment. I didn't have to think about it.
Schmidt: Well, who wins? I need a winner.
Jess: I think we're all losers.
Winston: Are you kidding me, Jess? You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right? I had sex with a hooker. Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker?

Nick: Jess, wait. So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog?
Jess: No, he, like, straight up fought fires.
Nick: That's awful to hear.
Jess: You know, you never actually told me how you lost yours.
Nick: Alison Daniels. On a towel in the woods. I cried. She kept her bra on. It was nice.

Elizabeth: What is that?
Schmidt: It's a super intense German personal power massager. But I don't think we need it.
Elizabeth: Hey. You know... since you... came all this way with that box...
Schmidt: We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector.

Schmidt: It was my junior year of college. I was about 200 pounds heavier.
[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: I got some lubricant. It's to use on a woman. Uh... to increase her pleasure.

[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: Hey... is it chill if I have the room later? Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... we plan on merging tonight.
Younger Nick: Yeah, Schmidt!
Younger Schmidt: Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.

[flashback:]
Younger Elizabeth: That's a real big jar of lube, man. Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg? No, that's my arm. Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes! Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery.
Younger Schmidt: Oh, this lube is so slippery.
[Schmidt falls off the top bunk and lands on Nick on the floor]
Younger Elizabeth: Schmidt, where are you? I can't see. II think there's enough lube. I think we can do it now. You definitely shouldn't be going to get more.