Jess: I promise you mine's worse than all of yours. Prom night 2000.
Schmidt: What was the theme?
Nick: Yeah, who cares about the theme? What were you wearing?
Schmidt: I want to know the theme.

Jess: So, he and I were the founding members of the Gender Equality Society. Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society. We both asked each other to the prom in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes.

Prom Date: I'm gonna take off your dress. Do I have your permission?
Jess: Yup. Yup.
Prom Date: Okay. Um... I can't find the zipper.
Jess: Oh. Oh, there is no zipper. Um, I made this dress, and my mom sewed me in, so...

Winston: So, you mean to tell me you didn't lose your virginity at prom?
Jess: Technically, no.
Schmidt: Technically?
Winston: Damn it, Jess.
Schmidt: Technically, why did we listen to that whole story, then?
Nick: Technically, this guy's the worst. [chuckles]
Schmidt: There was no sex.
Nick: Playing guitar for girls. Girls don't like that. That's a fact.
Schmidt: It's okay, man.
Nick: What's okay?

Jess: I wasn't done yet, guys. I was in the prologue.
Schmidt: David Foster Wallace, where is the sex? You're in last place. Cece, please go. Tell your story of how your lost your virginity. I need a palate cleanse.
Cece: Actually, it was the same night.
Schmidt: It was prom night? Really? Who was it with? Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny?

[flashback:]
Young Cece: So what? I'm a virgin. I don't want to plan it out. Whatever happens, happens.
Man: [British accent] Oh, hello. I'd like to make love to you.
Bartender: That's Mick Jagger.
[present:]
Schmidt: What?!
Nick: Whoa!
Schmidt: What? Game changer! Freaking... Beatlemania! Beatlemania!
Jess: Keep it together, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Oh, my... The Beatles?!

Winston: What... but I'm confused. Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.
Cece: Yeah, I know. But I just love telling it.

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: The room's all yours, cowboy. Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later. I'm a Daver.
[present v/o:]
Cece: That sucks!
Winston: White people.

Schmidt: I still don't understand why you didn't just leave.
Nick: I've told you a million times, my arm was a magnet and the walls were magnetic. What about that do you not understand?

Schmidt: Look, when we were dating, I was very limited as to what we could do sexually. It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. But that's all different now. Now I have the Archduke.
Cece: Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube and some giant sex toy, and just being with her?
Schmidt: Plain Janeing it? [scoffs] Yeah, okay.