Jess: Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed?
Schmidt: I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation. Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this.
Jess: What is that?
Cece: Oh, my God, that poor girl.
Schmidt: This is the Archduke. The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
Winston: Dude, this thing takes sixteen single A batteries?
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: Is this the first time you'll be making... full love?
Younger Schmidt: No way, Jose. Look, Nick... back in high school, they used to call me... the sex... the sex Hammer.
Younger Nick: That's a great nickname.
Younger Schmidt: But, you know, now that we're sitting here talking, would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly about the subject of intercourse?
Younger Nick: Shoot.
Younger Schmidt: Cool. Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
Younger Nick: Not one bit.
Younger Schmidt: If I pee while it's happening, will she die? [Nick is silent] How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat?
Younger Nick: I don't think it's an exact science. I think it depends on your frame.
Younger Schmidt: So, I should eat right before.
Younger Nick: In terms of lubricant, do I put a small amount everywhere or do I use a large amount in a small... in a smaller area?
Younger Nick: [groans] You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt.
Younger Schmidt: You're the coolest, Nick.

Jess: He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.
Nick: People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so...
Schmidt: I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.
Nick: I've worn a tuxedo. [scoffs] Everybody has tuxedos.
Schmidt: Tuxedo is different than a suit.
Nick: It is?