Schmidt: No. Bad idea. You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston.
Winston: Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. We used to hook up all the time. You know, for two years I had her number stored in my phone as "Shretty," 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby."

Jess: [choking]
Oliver: You okay, lady?
Jess: Hmm. Schwing!

Jess: Hey, guys. Um... this is Oliver. Um, Oliver is a...
Oliver: Web creator.
Jess: Web creator. Uh, also, we both love...
Oliver: lunch.
Jess: Lunch. Love lunch.
Cece: You're kidding.
Schmidt: Wow, what a coincidence.
Oliver: When people talk about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, I'm, like...
Jess: What...
Oliver: What?!
Jess: Is that?!
Oliver: What about lunch, man? You want another drink?
Jess: [old-timey voice] If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up!
Oliver: Why are you talking like that?
Jess: Oh, Oliver, we have nothing in common. [Oliver exits] Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.

Nick: [answers phone] What, Winston?
Winston: Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you ... I know you're at dinner.
Nick: No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually hanging out with a guy named Cliff.
Cliff: Are we hanging out? That's awesome.
Winston: Listen here, man, I'm at Shelby's house. And there's two other girls here. They're drinking cranberry juice, talking about Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. I got a nose strip on my face, man.

Nick: You know, just making copies.
Julia: Did you do all of this?
Nick: I did.
Julia: No.
Nick: Yeah.
Julia: Really?
Nick: And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin.
Julia: Okay.
Nick: I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. Okay, and if anyone finds it, I want them to know that I moved during the copy, and I don't actually have two butt cracks.

Schmidt: Hey, what are you doing home so soon?
Jess: Well, I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He made me video-chat with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, and then, um, I came home, so...
Schmidt: Jess, you don't your first one-night stand to be with some total stranger. You got to pick someone who you know, who's not gonna make a big deal out of the whole thing.
Jess: Hmm.
Schmidt: You have an urge, you act on it. And... whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards. God help you if you get sucked into a brunch.
Jess: Thanks, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Come here.
Jess: You smell good.
Schmidt: It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. [Jess laughs] Don't over think it.

Jess: [on the phone] You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night.
Cece: Tell me.
Jess: Okay, but have to promise never to tell anyone, ever.
Cece: Of course, out with it. Tell me.
Jess: Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt last night.
[Cece is on the phone in Schmidt's bed. He rolls over and puts his arm around her, kissing her neck.]
Cece: That would have been crazy.
Jess: I know! Can you imagine? Ugh.
Cece: I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye.

Jess: Ugh, couples! Boo. Hiss.
Schmidt: Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, you die just a little bit. It's like a copy of a copy.
Jess: But lucky us ... we get to go out looking for some strange. Happy V-Day, player!
Schmidt: Holla!

Nick: Well, this year we're gonna make up for it. You and me are gonna do a real Valentine's Day date.
Julia: I know. God, what's the plan?
Nick: Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona.
Julia: I can get that.
Nick: And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in.
Julia: Oh, I have one in my purse.
Nick: You do?

Nick: Excuse me, you know where Julia Cleary's office is?
Cliff: Uh, does she need to sign for something? Little late for a package, isn't it? Let me guess, your bike broke down. Fixed-gear, single-speed. I've been rocking a three-speed.
Nick: No, I'm not a bike messenger.
Cliff: Follow me.
Nick: Okay.
Cliff: She can get pretty cranky when she gets interrupted, but I'll tell you what, I would still hit that. I mean, despite the age difference, I would just take that to Pound Town. You know what I mean? Just take her a visit to the boneyard. [holds up hand for a high-five] You know what I'm saying.
Julia: Hey, Nick. That's my boyfriend, Nick. That's my little intern, Cliff. Excuse me, Cliff.
Cliff: [quietly] What...?
Julia: Could you get him a water? Thank you.
Nick: Hey, Cliff.
Julia: Thanks, Cliff.