Julia: Sorry it's such a mess in here. But... I went full out with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. Are you ready for it?
Nick: What did you do? Ha-ha! Heart boxers! These are the best!
Julia: Right?
Nick: I'm putting them on right now over my pants. You can't stop me.
Julia: I don't want to stop you, because I... am gonna be rocking this action.
Nick: You were born to wear that thing.
Julia: We can never talk about any of this, to anybody.

Winston: Hey, babe.
Shelby: Ooh, you brought wine.
Winston: Yeah.
Shelby: Good. We're almost out. It's not the food! Come on in. Pick out a polish.
Woman: He looks like a player. [puts glasses on] Ah. Never mind.
Tia: I thought we said no guys. I am not touching his feet.

Schmidt: Where's what's his name?
Cece: We are actually gonna meet up later, because... he's got a little surprise for me.
Schmidt: Spoiler: it's his penis.
Cece: Okay, stop. Enough. Pay attention.

Jess: He's literally the most boring person I've ever met. He's described every lunch he's had this week, and three of them were tacos.
Schmidt: My work here is done.
Jess: Not really. Little favor. He doesn't have a car, I don't have a car, 'cause I came with you, so I...
Schmidt: No, no, no, no. No. No.
[cut to Schmidt driving Jess and Oliver:]
Oliver: One of the tacos had extra cheese, and the other one had avocados. And cheese. And cheese, actually. [chuckles]

Cliff: Can I ask you something? With her, the... is it... is it gentle, or is it... not so gentle? You know what I mean?
Nick: Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't just say that, Cliff.
Cliff: Fair enough.

Oliver: Back to the movie. Ready?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: These monkeys look so real.
Oliver: Apes. They're apes.
Schmidt: Oh... you're one of those.
Jess: Get out.
Schmidt: Like there's a real difference?
Jess: Get out now!
Schmidt: All right.
[When Schmidt gets outside, he finds his car up on cinder blocks]
Schmidt: Youths!

Nick: The point of the story is I looked around at my life and I realized that I didn't want to work for somebody else my whole life.
Cliff: That is exactly how I feel, man.
Nick: Yeah, but the second half of that story is how I went broke and started working for somebody else my whole life. [Cliff throws his phone] Okay, what was that?
Cliff: I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to do this.
Nick: Don't do this. Not tonight.
Cliff: I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight.

Cliff: I'm quitting!
Julia: What?
Cliff: Nick convinced me that I can't waste my life doing your stapling any more.
Nick: I never said anything like that, Julia.
Cliff: Not doing it any more. I'm not working all night on Valentine's Day. I'm just gonna get in my car, and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun. 'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere. And for once in my life, I'm gonna spend some time with my birds. Woo!
Julia: No, Cliff! We're gonna start paying you so soon!
Nick: Julia, I am so sorry. I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico.
Julia: You got arrested in Mexico?
Nick: I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked up and were stuck with me.

Cece: Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt.
Jess: Schmidt left, like, an hour ago.
Schmidt: No, no, I didn't.
Jess: Are you kidding me?
Schmidt: My tires were stolen by street youths.

Oliver: She can't keep eating tacos all night.
Jess: Yeah.
Oliver: Because I ate most of the tacos yesterday.
Jess: You know what? I can't do this. You're a really great guy, and, um, I-I I mean, I don't know that, um, but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet.
Amy: I'm looking pretty good right now.
Oliver: It's just so hard, you know? I feel so alone sometimes. And I lied to you. I'm not a Web creator.
Jess: I'm not a player.
Oliver: [crying] I miss her so much.
Jess: Oh, she's in... she's just in the kitchen.
Oliver: [blender whirs] Baby! Can you make me a smoothie?