Schmidt: Are you serious? How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
Cece: I am so, so sorry. Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... What happened?
Schmidt: [clears throat] Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. I broke my penis.
Cece: You what?
Schmidt: I broke my penis. Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night. And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain. And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself... I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.

Schmidt: Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. Don't touch me, don't touch me.
Cece: Okay. I...
Schmidt: You gotta get out of here.
Cece: All right.
Schmidt: I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
Cece: I'm sorry for this, but I... I like you.
Schmidt: And I like you, too, so much. Call a nurse, call a male nurse. Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice.
Cece: Bye.
Schmidt: Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone.

Nick: This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning.
Jess: He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. He is turning over a new leaf. He is...
Nick: Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now.
Jess: Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
Nick: Okay, but you did it again.
Jess: It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
Nick: Okay, but stop. I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing that there's a possibility of happiness.
Jess: He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight.
Nick: Go.

Nick: Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia. I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, and I closed myself up again. The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi...
Cece: Off topic.
Jess: Off-putting.
Nick: Okay. I agree. So I've decided... to give up on women, and put all that energy into... tomatoes!
Winston: You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid.
Schmidt: Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something.
Nick: Guys, I have a whole speech!

Cece: So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight.
Schmidt: I bet.
Cece: Make sure, uh, you use protection.
Schmidt: She's a foreigner, Cece. What, do I look like an idiot?
Cece: Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right?
Schmidt: What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 'Cause the "clawses" are coming out. The-the "claws" are coming out? You know... You're being catty, Cece.

Schmidt: So... How do you like America?
Nadia: I like salad bar. I like Despicable Me. Tosh 2.0. I like Connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, uh... sidewalk. I like 1-800-SLIM. "Your Mama" jokes. Strawberry. Wilmer "Velmavelma". Leon J. Panetta. Ice skating for fun, not to save life. [laughs]
Schmidt: What are you laughing at?
Nadia: Cheese. Is for mouse. Are you Mick Mouse?
Schmidt: Am I what?
Nadia: Why don't you get in your spaceship like Mick Mouse?
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Nadia: Mick Mouse.
Schmidt: What is a Mick Mouse?
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: I don't understand what Mick Mouse is!
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: I don't under... I don't... What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse?
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: Are you saying Mickey Mouse?
Nadia: Yes.
Schmidt: In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound.
Nadia: Let's do sex party. I sex you in face.
Schmidt: You're gonna sex me in my face?

Ouli: Car gets stuck in the mud, and no, you could not move it.
Russell: Oh, here it is.
Ouli: Because, God forbid, you break a nail!
Russell: I got one manicure, one time! I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this!
Jess: [sings] Ouli's all right, Russell's all right They just seem a little weird Surrender, surrender...

Nick: No! No! Get out of here, birds! Please get out of here, you sky rats! Go back to Hell, where you belong! Leave me and my plants alone! I need this!

Winston: Okay, why are you giving up? If something doesn't work out, what do you do? You make an adjustment, you give it one more shot. I mean, that's what I did with...
Nick: Okay, just say it.
Winston: ...My beautiful Shelby.
Nick: Shelby. See, why did you say, "my beautiful Shelby"? It's so weird.
Winston: Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay? And then... I was a different person, and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another.
Nick: Sandwiches and sex? I want that.

Winston: So how long you gotta ice that thing?
Schmidt: Eight weeks. I mean, if I have any excitement it's excruciating pain.
Winston: Boobies.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Boobies.
Schmidt: I love boobies...
Winston: Girls with clean hair.
Schmidt: Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played.
Winston: Models eating sliders. [Schmidt groans] Bernadette Peters on a high beam. [Schmidt wails] Freshly baked bread.
Schmidt: Oh God.