Nick: Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so...
Winston: No, you have no idea.
Nick: No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time.
Schmidt: I think we all have a pretty good idea.
Cece: Pretty clear idea.
Nick: Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. You almost made a person. Think about that! Jess... you're dating the man that I could see myself growing old with. Russell, you got a great-looking face. Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. Don't let that one slip away.
Russell: It's getting a little weird, Nick.
Nick: So, without further ado... Water, the source of life. [drops watering can into the tomatoes] Whoa! [everyone groaning, grumbling] It's okay, I got two of them. You know what? Go downstairs, if you want! I don't care! I got the tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! Freeze frame! When I'm up in the air and the legs are there.

Jess: Everything's fine. I know it's gonna be tense at first, 'cause Ouli's no Russell's favorite person, but I grew up with divorced parents, and I'm really good at navigating these situations.
[flashback:]
Man: What did I do?
Woman: Nothing!
Young Jess: [sings] Mommy's all right Daddy's all right They just seem a little weird Surrender, surrender...
[present:]
Schmidt: Don't tap-dance at dinner.
Jess: Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner?
Nick: Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess.

Winston: What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz?
Nick: I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man.
Winston: Apology accepted.
Nick: It's just... we used to be miserable together, man.
Winston: We did have some pretty bad times together.
Nick: Had the worst.
Winston: Hey, remember that time we pooled our money and bought that online dating profile together?
Nick: Yes. The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. Zero dates.

Cece: I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here.
Schmidt: How are you upset right now? Cece, you ended this. I don't know what you want from me!
Cece: I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. Because I like you. I can't just always say what I feel, okay? It's just... Just, whatever, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You like me. You like my personality?
Cece: I was surprised, too.

Nadia: Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.
Schmidt: Uh, it's actually Schmidt. Um, we've met, uh, many times.
Nadia: Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on. [barking weakly]
Schmidt: Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. I like to create a free environment in the sack.
Cece: Hey. What's going on here?
Nadia: I like his face. I want to punch, punch, punch!
Schmidt: Beautiful women... you guys can say just about anything, can't you?

Schmidt: Fine, twist my arm. I'll go out with the hot Russian model whose ancestors probably burned down my ancestors' village.

Jess: It was really foggy and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight.

Jess: Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him?
Cece: It doesn't matter if I like him. It's over.
Jess: And you're fine with that?
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Are you?
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Are you?
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Hold up. Are you?
Cece: I am gonna kill you.
Jess: But are you?

Winston: Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? I mean, he is the cutest. Just the absolute cutest. All right, take a look at this picture where he woke up on my face. Can't even see my face. I look like a cat man.

Nick: You know what I don't care about? Shelby. Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. Oh, Shelby loves donuts, but hates donut holes.
Winston: Why are you hating on Shelby so much?
Nick: I used to be your Shelby! That came out wrong.
Winston: I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault that your life sucks and you're so miserable. Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video.
Nick: I want you to git.
Winston: Seriously?
Nick: I want you to git off my farm!
Winston: This is a little weird, man.
Nick: You used to be my best friend. Now, I don't know!
Winston: Talk to yourself, man.
Nick: So git!
Winston: I'm gitten!
Nick: I don't need ya!
Winston: Shut up!