Schmidt: Are you serious? How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
Cece: I am so, so sorry. Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... What happened?
Schmidt: [clears throat] Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. I broke my penis.
Cece: You what?
Schmidt: I broke my penis. Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night. And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain. And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself... I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.

Schmidt: Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. Don't touch me, don't touch me.
Cece: Okay. I...
Schmidt: You gotta get out of here.
Cece: All right.
Schmidt: I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
Cece: I'm sorry for this, but I... I like you.
Schmidt: And I like you, too, so much. Call a nurse, call a male nurse. Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice.
Cece: Bye.
Schmidt: Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone.

Nick: This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning.
Jess: He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. He is turning over a new leaf. He is...
Nick: Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now.
Jess: Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
Nick: Okay, but you did it again.
Jess: It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
Nick: Okay, but stop. I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing that there's a possibility of happiness.
Jess: He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight.
Nick: Go.