Jess: Hey, Russell.
Russell: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Do I ever drive you crazy?
Russell: Of course not.
Jess: Come on. There has to be something that I do that just, like... gets under your skin.
Russell: No, I can't think of anything.
Jess: Come on, Russell. Think. Think, think, think, think. Thin-k. That's annoying, right, the way I say, "Think"?
Russell: Well...
Jess: With a "K."

Russell: Okay, Jess, um... Your eyes bug out a little when you're trying to make a point.
Jess: Yeah?
Russell: Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing when you're thinking sometimes.
Jess: Yeah?
Russell: Yeah. Don't love that.
Jess: Like that? Like that?
Russell: Uh... Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine.
Jess: Is this just driving you crazy?
Russell: Um... No, but it's not pleasant.

Cece: How, um... how was your date last night?
Nadia: Brief. Small man go to hospital.
Cece: The hospital? Is he okay?
Nadia: I don't know. I leave him there, I go make bowling.
Cece: Nadia... like, honestly, what did you do to him?
Nadia: Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny.
Cece: Oh, my God.

Russell: Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car.
Jess: But there's so many buttons. It's like... The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons.
Russell: Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, explosive passion thing. When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper. I'm not looking for that any more.
Jess: I understand. But I am. And... I want passion... even if it's harder and hurts more.
Russell: So that's it.
Jess: Good-bye, Russell. Well... [fails to open the door] Yeah.

Jess: Caroline?
Nick: Yeah, I know. I just called her, and then... I don't know, it's...
Jess: What are you doing? You guys had such a terrible relationship. Are you crazy? Are you burning incense?
Nick: Yes, I am, for ambiance. She digs it.
Jess: She digs it? Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? What happened to swearing off women and focusing on tomatoes?
Nick: I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. I'm happy.
Jess: That is pathetic, Nick. You're just saying that 'cause you don't have the patience or the courage to be alone.

Jess: I'm just really disappointed in you.
Nick: You know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries with sprinklies on them...
Jess: That isn't what I do.
Nick: Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, and then tell other people how to live their lives!
Jess: It's not a pajama outfit! They're called pajamas!
Nick: That's what I said!
Jess: Nick, why don't you go back in your room and put on your stupid flannel and keep not living up to your potential!

Nick: I don't want your help.
Jess: Stop making that face at me. I hate that face.
Nick: This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess...then look at my ass!
Jess: Oh!
Nick: Yeah! Get a good look!
Jess: Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter.
Nick: This is the ass of a failure.
Jess: You get a look.
Nick: Look right at my ass.

Nick: You bought the ticket, take a ride.
Jess: Feast your eyes on my butt.
Nick: I'm winning this moment.
Jess: You quitter.
Nick: Look at my butt, it's going faster than yours!
Jess: I have the fastest butt in the land.
Nick: I got a faster one!
Jess: No, you don't.

Schmidt: You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato just sprung up overnight?
Winston: Yes, I do. When it comes to tomatoes, no one in the world knows less than Nick.

Cece: So what are you doing here?
Schmidt: So, look, we've barely spoken since I almost impregnated you.
Cece: You know, it's just, it's this whole thing has just kind of got me thinking. Maybe this is just too intense, and we should stop.
Schmidt: That's what you want?
Cece: It's how I feel right now, so, yeah.
Schmidt: Oh... Coolio.
Nadia: So he goes out with me.
Cece: Oh, Nadia, I think that...
Schmidt: I think that's a great idea. I mean, that's what you want, right?
Cece: Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me.
Nadia: Yay! We have fun. I make him put on black shawl, pretend he's grandma.