Schmidt: Are you serious? How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
Cece: I am so, so sorry. Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... What happened?
Schmidt: [clears throat] Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. I broke my penis.
Cece: You what?
Schmidt: I broke my penis. Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night. And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain. And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself... I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.

Schmidt: Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. Don't touch me, don't touch me.
Cece: Okay. I...
Schmidt: You gotta get out of here.
Cece: All right.
Schmidt: I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
Cece: I'm sorry for this, but I... I like you.
Schmidt: And I like you, too, so much. Call a nurse, call a male nurse. Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice.
Cece: Bye.
Schmidt: Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone.

Nick: Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia. I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, and I closed myself up again. The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi...
Cece: Off topic.
Jess: Off-putting.
Nick: Okay. I agree. So I've decided... to give up on women, and put all that energy into... tomatoes!
Winston: You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid.
Schmidt: Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something.
Nick: Guys, I have a whole speech!