‘The Right Thing’
Season 4, Episode 19 - Aired March 31, 2015
Jess attends the funeral of the hook-up to try delete a sext from his phone. Meanwhile, Schmidt's mother comes to town, and Winston tries to bond with his partner Aly.
Quote from Jess
Val: Would it be putting you on the spot if I asked you to do one?
Jess: I think that wouldn't be appropriate.
Coach: Actually, yes. I feel like it's a little...
J.J. Watt: [all sing] Hot dogs Hot dogs...
Jess: Everybody loves hot dogs
Coach: Hot dogs
J.J. Watt: Dogs
Jess: Everybody's favorite treat is hot dogs
Coach: Hot dogs
J.J. Watt: Pretzels!
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Well, you know, it doesn't matter! You know, we did a good job with those cards, Mom. And we don't need any of your money.
Nick: Whoa, we're all being very emotional. Let's just slow everything...
Schmidt: I'm moving the couch back! Gosh! Did you nail that thing down? That's... You move that all by yourself? I'm an adult man, Mom. And Nick is my best friend in the whole wide world. And we're gonna buy a small portion of that bar without any of your help. [door slams; Schmidt returns:] And also, there's some leftover chili in the fridge if you get hungry, and, please, make sure to put a plate over it before you put it in the microwave. I don't want it to splatter everywhere!
Quote from Jess
Jess: [sings] And that's why they call it The out-of-peanuts Blues...
J.J. Watt: Stadium taco.
Val: Thank you guys for being a bright spot on my sad day. [screams]
Coach: Aah! Shucks!
Val: Sorry! I thought I saw Pete's ghost! It was a paint can. [laughs; all chuckle]
Quote from Jess
Jess: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! There's another box.
Val: What the hell...? "Property of Pete"?
Jess: He made my sext his caller I.D.?
Val: This is a sext?
Jess: JJ fired him over text!
Quote from Cece
Cece: After the day I had, I needed this.
Louise Schmidt: Me, too. What happened? I know you were talking to yourself. Now you're talking to a stranger. Get over it. Is that a crime in California? What happened?
Cece: I got dragged to a random dude's funeral.
Louise Schmidt: Who dragged you?
Cece: My friend. She always thinks she knows what's best.
Louise Schmidt: Who's your friend-- me? [both laugh] No. I got accused of that today by my son. He's tired of me babying him. But he's my baby, so what am I supposed to do?
Cece: Maybe you have to let go a little.
Louise Schmidt: This is why strangers talk. You're a genius. Want to see a picture of my son? He's handsome.
Cece: Nah. I'm kind of in love with my ex, so...
Louise Schmidt: All right, you can't date him anyway. You're not Jewish, so over my dead body and all that.
[laughs]
Quote from Coach
Jess: Today was not a win for me. "It's the right thing to do." I don't even know what that means.
Coach: Well, you made today about yourself. Mm. Not to use popcorn psychology, but it's human nature. You know? Soon as I saw JJ walk in, I was, like, "JJ Watt, be my best friend." [both chuckle]
Quote from Winston
Winston: I got to do something. Should I tell Aly off? Uh... put in for a new partner? What's the right thing to do here?
Jess: I can say with 100% certainty I have no idea.
Coach: Look at you. I'm proud of you.
Jess: I learned from the best.
Winston: That's awesome. What a wonderful moment we're having today! You know what? I'll figure it out myself.
Coach: Thank you.
Mike: [to Winston] This is from that sixth grader over there. [Winston looks back and sees Aly in the bar]
Quote from Aly
Winston: So, what's your point?
Aly: He just fell in love with me!
Winston: Oh... oh! Oh!
Aly: Yeah. And it messed everything up. And I just don't want that to happen again.
Winston: Damn, you're conceited! Don't nobody want your babies.
Aly: I know that now! I mean, you brought me to your loft and showed me a bar mitzvah video. Friends?
Winston: Cool, cool. Just, uh... don't go falling in love with me. 'Cause I'm lovable as hell.
Aly: Okay. I think I'll be okay.
Winston: All right.
Aly: [downs beer] Another! [whoops]
Winston: Oh, my.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: Michael... we'd like to buy your share of the bar.
Nick: And although we don't have the full $20,000 at the present...
Mike: You don't have the money?
Nick: No. But we're the right guys.
Mike: No, the right guys would have the money. Or Kieran Culkin's mouth.
Nick: How about Owen Wilson's nose?
Quote from Jess
Schmidt: Mom?
Jess: Oh, my God! Schmidt, is this your mom? Hi. I've heard so much about you. How's Long Island? Any cute Schmidt stories?
Louise Schmidt: I need less from you.
Jess: Okay.