‘The Right Thing’
Season 4, Episode 19 - Aired March 31, 2015
Jess attends the funeral of the hook-up to try delete a sext from his phone. Meanwhile, Schmidt's mother comes to town, and Winston tries to bond with his partner Aly.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: So, how's Susan? Susan's my-my mom's work friend who she lives with. Susan cuts her own firewood.
Louise Schmidt: Susan's my girlfriend.
Schmidt: That's what I said, your work friend.
Louise Schmidt: She's good. We just got a new mattress. So work's been more comfortable.
Nick: [chuckling]
Schmidt: [off Louise's look] What? What-what now? Is it my sweater? Is it too dark?
Louise Schmidt: It might be. Here.
Schmidt: You got, you got me a sweater?
Louise Schmidt: Mm-hmm. Now that's nice. That's nice. Try it on.
Schmidt: I'm trying, I'm put-putting it on right now.
Louise Schmidt: It goes over your head.
Nick: He's putting a sweater on a sweater?
Louise Schmidt: Get over it.
Schmidt: Get over it.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: Schmidt, isn't there something you want to ask your mother about?
Schmidt: Well, I did... I did want to ask you about...
Louise Schmidt: Your voice is wavering. Here, have some chocolate.
Schmidt: No, Mom, I'm okay. Thank you.
Louise Schmidt: Have it. Here, have it, have it, have it.
Schmidt: I'll just have one.
Louise Schmidt: Have it, have it. Have it, have it. There you go.
Schmidt: I do love it. Hmm! So, I... What I was thinking about was... uh... my bar mitzvah money. Can I have it?
Louise Schmidt: Oh, my God! Of course you can! Yes.
Nick: Oh, that was... yeah, so easy.
Louise Schmidt: As soon as you write your thank-you notes. You didn't forget, did you? He never did his thank-you cards.
Schmidt: Mom, I just thought that you know, that was so long ago...
Louise Schmidt: Well, you know. If I just gave you the money, what kind of lesson would that be? You finish your cards, you get the money. That's fair, isn't it?
Nick: You didn't finish your thank-you cards?
Louise Schmidt: There's a hat in the bag, too. Try it on. Put it on. That's very nice. Take it off, you're in a restaurant.
Quote from Jess
Coach: Almost time to tell the story about your close friend Pete.
Jess: I'm just gonna tell the truth. We went on a few dates. That's it.
Val: I'm Val, Pete's girlfriend. [sobs] I'm sorry. [to Jess] Would you mind going? How did you know Pete?
Jess: [clears throat quietly] Um, from work. We worked together.
Val: You're a sports agent, too?
Coach: Wow...
Jess: Yep.
Quote from Winston
Nick: Okay, we got a lot of thank-you cards to write and not a lot of time. Let's get into it. I'll start, okay? Let's go, here we go. "To whom it may concern..."
Schmidt: To... to whom it may concern?
Nick: I'm on a vibe.
Schmidt: Nick, these need to have personal details. My mom is gonna check them.
Nick: All right, then get me the guest list.
Schmidt: Where have you imagined that I've been holding onto the guest list for all these years? Just carrying it around in my wallet? This is impossible.
Winston: This is gonna take some serious detective work. [chuckles] It's a good thing I can call backup.
Quote from Aly
Winston: Okay. 257 Sea Cove Drive, 11021. Okay.
Nick: "Dear Mrs. Rosenberg... Thank you for the check."
Nick: I need a personal detail!
Aly: Personal detail!
Schmidt: She had a pool.
Nick: "Cannonball! Love, Schmidt."
Quote from Jess
Jess: Hey, wait! Guys, wait. No, stop... guys. The only sport I know is Ricky Ball, and I'm pretty sure my friend Ricky made that up.
Quote from Coach
Coach: No. Lying about who you are is not the right thing to do. I am going.
Jess: Coach...
Coach: [whimpering]
J.J. Watt: Is this, uh... is this Pete's thing? He was my agent.
Coach: Of course he was. Who else would represent NFL star J.J. Watt? Uh, Pete was my best friend and, uh... [hugs him] God, it's good to see you.
Quote from Schmidt
Louise Schmidt: Wouldn't the couch be better over there? All that light? Or do you like to live like a radish, underground?
Schmidt: So we worked really hard on the... on the cards.
Louise Schmidt: Let's see what we got. Okay. But you know what would be better? Connie's into gardening. You should mention that. And if you really want your card to pop, you can use a nice fountain pen on silver stationery. And you should sign your full name, not just Schmidt. I mean, you have a lovely first name.
Schmidt: [awkwardly loud] Great! I'll just make all those changes, Mom! [runs off]
Louise Schmidt: Okay. You're not getting me into your pants, you little jackhammer.
Nick: Oh, I don't want you in my pants, Louise.
Louise Schmidt: Okay. Okay.
Schmidt: Okay.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Okay, we gotta find that phone before Val sees the sext.
Coach: Yes, it is the right thing to do. Like I've said all along. I got a good thing going with JJ and I'm not gonna let you ruin it.
Jess: That's the funeral spirit.
J.J. Watt: What are you guys doing in here?
Jess: What are you doing here?
J.J. Watt: I'm looking for Pete's phone.
Jess: So are we! Did you sext him, too?
J.J. Watt: No. I fired Pete over text, so I didn't want to crush his family. That's why I'm at the memorial.
Jess: Not because it was the right thing to do?
J.J. Watt: No. No. I mean, we never even went skiing.
Jess: Who makes up these rules?
Quote from Jess
Val: What are you guys doing out here?
Jess: Um...
J.J. Watt: Singing.
Coach: S... What?
Jess: We like to sing. Together. About...
J.J. Watt: Sports.
Coach: Food.
Jess: Sports foods.