Schmidt: My man... Winston, I got a question for you. Do you think that, that two men can engage in group sex without... without compromising their friendship.
Winston: Good question, good question. Um... okay. Uh, let's just say Nick is the salt. And, Schmidt, you are the pepper. I'm assuming we're talking about you two.
Schmidt: Hypothetically, I suppose. Whatever.
Nick: Yes.
Schmidt: Hypothetically, all right. Not necessarily.
Winston: Actually I'm gonna need some... Ooh, boy. Seems as if I've made a mess. Got to clean that up. Yes, look at that. Salt all in the pepper. Pepper all in the salt. Just mixed up like that. Is there salt shoved in the pepper hole? How'd it get in there? How did salt get shoved into this tiny, tiny pepper hole? [Nick runs away]
Schmidt: Nick? [to Winston] You're terrible at demonstrations!

Nick: I'll do the four-way with you.
Schmidt: Yes! Okay, I'm gonna go book the room. You go to housekeeping, have them give you as many shower caps as they'll give you...
Nick: Okay, stop. They're gonna get one hand and I'm not gonna move it. I'm just gonna dangle it into the mix while I look at something else on my phone. And that's the deal.

Schmidt: Aw, man, this is gonna be big for us.
Nick: This is for you, buddy.
Schmidt: Thanks. Yeah! What the hell is that?
Nick: What are you talking about?
Schmidt: Yeah, what's-what's that on your hand, man? Why is it so rough? It's like hoof.
Nick: There's nothing on my hand. This is a regular old hand...
Schmidt: I'm out, I'm out.
Nick: You're out of what?
Schmidt: Four-way. Done. No way. Not with that thing.
Nick: You're a buffoon.

Nick: No man wants that, but... you can't quit, either. You're our last hope. You're the only one out of the group who might not go home alone tonight, Jess.
Jess: Really?
Nick: Yes. It's all on your shoulders.
Jess: So the sex fist... has... turned into a sex finger.
Nick: Uh, don't... yeah.
Jess: Sex finger.

Cece: Okay, look, babe, just get out on the dance floor, okay? Guys think that they way you dance is the way you have sex.
Jess: Okay.
Cece: So just give them a little something, okay? You just need to, like, roll your body a little bit. Something a little sexy. Pop your hip out a little bit.
Schmidt: [to Nick] Hey, man, I'm not gonna lie to you right now. I've got a halfie.
Nick: Okay, we got to go! Excuse me, everybody!
Schmidt: I need a minute.
Jess: What do you think of this? Mm... hmm... Mm-mm.
Schmidt: I'm good to go now.
Nick: Let's go!

Jess: I can't. I can't do it.
Schmidt: Oh, of course you can and you will.
Jess: Okay, Schmidt, we've been to 11 weddings in a row. That's too many weddings. I can't even get into the fridge anymore.
[flashback to Jess struggling to open the fridge which is covered in wedding invitations:]
Jess: Aah! I'm so hungry.

Schmidt: Jessica, you are going to this wedding. Well... well... And I'm gonna tell you why: Sexual intercourse. Do you remember that? You got to get back out there, Jess. The last mouth that you kissed was Nick's mouth. That was four months ago. Think about that. That's horrible.
Nick: [knocks] Hey. Is Schmidt making fun of me?
Schmidt: Yes.
Jess: Hi, Nick.
Nick: Okay, cool. Just checking.

Schmidt: Are you wearing tap shoes?
Nick: I got 'em at the goodwill. I thought they were just really shiny dress shoes. [clicking]
Schmidt: They're cool.
Coach: Hey, what do you guys think about this belt? Like for a wedding gift?
Schmidt: Nick, Coach, get in here. Everybody in here. Are we a man down? I feel like there's one more of us.
Winston: Something's going on in Jess' room?! I'm coming! [moans] Just wait for me.
Nick: He's sore from police academy.
Winston: [o.s.] I'm sore from police academy!

Jess: You know what, yeah. Yeah, I'm in.
Schmidt: She's in.
Jess: We're all in.
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: Yes.
Winston: I'm in. I can't hear what's going on, but I'm in.

Winston: Ah, what about him, Jess?
Jess: What? The best man?
Winston: Best man.
Jess: Get real, you clown. I've been out of the game too long. He's a wedding celebrity.