Schmidt: Hey. Made a list of rules for our guests. Obviously, no one's wearing shoes inside the house, but what if we put a foot-washing station in the driveway?
Cece: Babe, I was thinking maybe we have no rules. Well, because growing up, all the cool houses didn't have rules, remember?
Schmidt: I was never invited to any of the cool houses. My only friend in high school was my piano teacher,
and then he got that boyfriend with the Trans Am, and I never saw him again.
Cece: I really wish I could travel back in time and give young you a hug.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, young me would've greeted that hug with an immediate collapse in orgasm.

Cece: There are 30 people out there.
Schmidt: We do not have enough china! Or forks or prawns. You can't ask somebody to split a prawn.
Cece: Babe, I know, all right? But you just need to relax. We will be fine. We can adjust. Just remember, we're chill.
Schmidt: No, you're right. We are totally chill. We'll just break out the backup china! I'll just come in tomorrow morning with a power washer, and hose this whole frickin' place down.
Winston: ["La Cucaracha" doorbell plays] There's Lefty.
Schmidt: By the way, there is no backup china!
Cece: I know, I know, all right.

Jess: Ow, my ankle! My beautiful dancer's ankle!

Aly: But you really need to know the lay of the land.
Winston: Okay, let me take notes.
Aly: So, my sister is... my sister.
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Aly: Uncle Bill is a real weather nerd. It's super annoying.
Winston: Right, right, right.
Aly: Aunt Karen keeps a free-floating piece of floss in her purse. She will use it tonight. It's revolting.
Winston: Okay. Do me a favor. Hold on. Repeat everything you just said. My thumbprint won't let me in.
Aly: Okay, uh, my sister is-- you met her...
Winston: Ah, wait, yeah, no, no, still not in. Let me get-- wipe my hand off right there. Now we're cooking with gas. [chucles]
Aly: My sister...
Winston: Okay. No, we ain't.

Winston: Question: have you guys seen Aly?
Cece: [sighs] What's going on, man?
Winston: She ran off. If I'd known it was gonna be like this, I would've just done the trench coat thing.
Cece: The... what?
Schmidt: What is the trench coat thing?
Winston: It's where I pick her up from the airport naked, wearing nothing but a trench coat.

Winston: On one very late and very desperate night, I used Furguson's cat box as my own box. And, yes, it is true what many of you have heard. I once fell asleep in a bathtub! [Aly laughing]
Aly: I love that story. [continues laughing]
Leslie: And then what happened?
Aly: What do you mean, "And then what happened?" He fell asleep in the tub! He was asleep, and then he woke up. [Winston stomping on table]

Aly: Thank you for not being afraid of me or my family.
Man: Open up. Police!
Schmidt: Who-who called the police?
Cece: I don't know. I guess we better do whatever they say.
Nick: Ugh. Why are you guys acting like you're in a porno?
Jenkins: We got a noise complaint.
Schmidt: The law has spoken, everyone. I guess the party's over. You could just file out through here.
Jenkins: Winston?
Winston: Look who it is.
Jenkins: Hey, Aly, you're back.
Winston: Jenkins, get in here, man! We having a party. What you drinking?
Aly: Hi, Jenkins.
Cece: Wait, what?
Schmidt: Well, you know what, I guess I'm just gonna have to take the law into my own hands. All right, everybody! Shoes off, coasters down!
Cece: This is our house, and our house has rules! Okay? Not a suggestion. Shoes off, let's go!

Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord.
Jess: It's not as bad as it looks. I'm really, I'm really clean underneath all this mud.

Jess: Is there any food left? I'm so hungry, and all I have is this bag of gross raisins.
Nick: Gross raisins? Are you kidding me? Raisins are the best. I love raisins.
Jess: [laughs] Of course you do.
Nick: Yeah, sometimes I just tuck 'em in my cheek, and I go about my day, so if I ever need
the flavor of raisins, well, I already got it.
Jess: I'm having trouble envisioning what it's like to need the flavor of raisins. But go nuts.
Nick: Go raisins. [laughs] You said, "Go nuts," I said, "Go raisins."

Robby: Okay, we got our maps.
Jess: Yeah.
Robby: Got our canteens.
Jess: Yeah.
Robby: Got our trail mix, homemade of course.
Jess: Got my book of local fauna.
Robby: Got my book of local flora.
Jess: So we can identify...
Both: [sing] Every living thing.