Jess: Hey, should we take a break and, like, talk about our childhoods or something? You know, get in there, get into it, get into each other's heads. Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.
Nick: If... Yeah... I mean...
Jess: No?
Nick: I'm gonna throw a curveball. I'm gonna go banana it and then I'll be ready for round two.
Jess: Define "banana it."
Nick: Eat a banana?
Jess: Oh, good. I was worried for a second.

Schmidt: What are Nick and Jess doing in there, and how is it this loud? Nick's body is so soft, it should absorb sound.
Winston: They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt. It's a whole new ball game around here. You, see, you wouldn't know that 'cause you haven't been here in weeks, but now that you're single, yeah, you got to deal with this, too. Dumped by two women in the same day, Schmidt, that has got to be a record, man.
Schmidt: I get it, all right? I lost two perfect women, but I'm fine with it, all right? I'm fine.
Winston: You could've been perfectly happy with either one of them, but now you're by yourself.
Schmidt: Winston, I'm fine. Please.
Winston: That really has to hurt.

Jess: Um, I have to show Nick something in the bathroom.
Nick: Yeah, it's tiles. [giggling] I'm so bad at lying. It's for sex.
Schmidt: Oh, go! Go make love in our communal shower. Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.

Schmidt: Oh, look, it's you and you.
Jess: Is that a cake? Why do you have a sheet cake?
Nick: Don't eat the cake, Jess.
Jess: What is that? Like, vanilla and vanilla?
Schmidt: I just wanted to wish you guys a happy one-month anniversary. Hip hip.
Nick: You said you wanted to break us up. You said you didn't care if it took your whole life.
Schmidt: Look, I understand that I'm not exactly your favorite person right now, but I didn't want a milestone in your relationship like this to-to go uncelebrated. You're really great together.

Nick: This has never happened in my whole life, just so you know.
Jess: It's cool.
Nick: What can I do to help? I don't know, maybe think outside of the box?
[later:]
Jess: A little chicken kabob with rice. Choice of naan or chutney.

Jess: Well, at least the sun managed to get up.
Nick: I have to go move my car.
Jess: I'm kidding. But I'm kidding! Are we not kidding about this?

Schmidt: Whew, Nick looks exhausted. You guys obviously had a good night.
Jess: Yeah, um, I... We didn't sleep much.
Schmidt: Well, of course you didn't, you mangy little stray.
Jess: I really don't want to talk about it, especially not with you, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I know, and look, I also realize that it's gonna be a long time for me to regain your trust. I just think it's sad because if you did have a Nick problem, I probably could help you out. You know, my diploma says that I majored in communications, but my heart says that I majored in Nicholas studies. I'm just saying. I love the morning. Anything's possible. The whole day's ahead of you, you know?
Jess: Last night, Nick struggled with impotence. Oh, my God, I'm not talking you about this.
Schmidt: Jess, look, I get it. You don't want my help, but just do me a favor please. Let me know when you're not mad at me anymore so I can tell you about how men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives. I just hope it's not too late, fingers crossed.

Winston: Okay, Furguson, this is a big moment in your life. All right, just be yourself, you dawg.
Schmidt: [enters] Winston, I think I found a way to
Winston: You want to try some catnip?
Schmidt: This is a real bummer.

Winston: Let's, um, let's head to my room.
Kylie: Oh, you're not wasting any time.
Winston: You know, it's just that I have very judgy roommates, you know, that might get a little weirded out if they walked in the room and saw something they weren't supposed to see.
Kylie: Oh.
Winston: Or it's whatever, whatever Fatty wants. What do you want, Fatty?
Kylie: Fatty wants to see your room.
Winston: That's awesome. Great news. You hear that, Furguson? Y'all go play. Yeah? There you go. He was nervous.
Kylie: Well, good thing I brought this.
Winston: Yeah, we can't give wine to these cats.
Kylie: It's been a tough six months, and this cat needs a drink so...
Winston: O-Okay. I don't think they care. They're not listening at all. They're too into each other.

Jess: Nick, we have to talk about this, okay? All right, I'll go first. Listen I was uncomfortable with some of the specifics of what we just did. For example, when I said, "You like that, huh?" I felt like you really, really didn't like it. How do you feel?
Nick: I just... [laughs nervously] I feel like, you know... No, it's just kind of like be... I mean... Uh... It was good, you know. It's over. Love sleeping birdsty.