‘The Captain’
Season 3, Episode 4 - Aired October 8, 2013
Schmidt tries to break Jess and Nick up. Meanwhile, Winston wants to get Furguson laid before he's neutered.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Why don't we just go back to being roommates. Okay? Nick, what do you say? The floor is yours. You want to tell us how you feel?
Nick: Me?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Well... I think it's... I just...
Schmidt: Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick. Enjoy your breakup. If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to mainstream hip-hop.
Quote from Nick
Jess: I'm really proud of you, Nick.
Nick: I really like.
Jess: I like you, too.
Nick: And it's been a month and I'm not scared. Unless you're doing the Captain, and then I experience very real fear and it's very visceral...
Jess: Just kiss me.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: Put down my condoms.
Jess: Pull it together, Schmidt.
Schmidt: It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah.
Nick: You're losing it, man.
Schmidt: If I'm not having sex in this loft, nobody's having sex in this loft.
Quote from Winston
Winston: Guys, come on, our cats were just about to have sex.
Kylie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, this whole time I thought... [snorts]
Winston: What?
Kylie: Fatty, come on. We're out of here. [exits]
Winston: [to the gang] So, what do you guys think, loft meeting in 20? Yeah, I'll be there in 15. Got to stick my head in a paper bag and scream at the top of my lungs. Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.
Quote from Schmidt
Jess: Schmidt, I just looked it up. There's no way estrogen works that fast.
Schmidt: You don't know my body.
Nick: Please, stop talking about your body, Schmidt.
Quote from Nick
Jess: You know, the other great thing about talking about our feelings is we don't need to do it all the time.
Nick: Thank you for expressing that. I feel like I can see you...
Jess: Uh-huh.
Nick: in 3-D vision.
Jess: Everyone see in 3-D.
Nick: Hmm.
Jess: So, would you like to take my bra off, or should I?
Nick: See, I feel excited to take your bra off.
Jess: So, do it.
Nick: I love your breasts. Just mixing it up with those two things. I'm not even nervous to do it.
Jess: So, do it.
Nick: I feel excited to do this.
Jess: Let's do it.
Nick: Okay, right now...
Quote from Jess
[later:]
Jess: How about we-
Nick: Shh! Oh, I had it.
[later:]
Jess: Reverse psychology. I'm not attracted to you. I don't think you're sexy. Don't want to have sex with you.
Nick: Okay.
Jess: I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat-
Nick: Okay! Oh, yeah.