Nick: Let's try to help. We got three smart people here. We all know we got to get Furguson laid, right? Cat bachelor party.
Jess: That's right.
Nick: What do you think?
Jess: Yeah, get some little cat strippers.
Nick: Big booty cats, little booty cats. Some tabbies. Some black ones, some white ones.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: We'll mix it up. Get us a couple Siamese, get weird with it.
Winston: Get him laid?
Nick: You know we're kidding?
Winston: Sure, sure, sure, sure. Gotcha. [whispers] It's happening.

Nick: Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake?
Schmidt: Come on, man, I'm just happy for you. Looking at a-a month? A big month, man. How many relationships have you had that have lasted more than a month?
Nick: I don't know, some.
Schmidt: Probably very few, probably very, very few, right? I mean, you think it's less than two?
Nick: One, it's Caroline, you know.
Schmidt: One? Are you kidding me, man? It's insane. That's so few, but I guess you only need one, right, the one. Too soon?
Nick: I'm really happy, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You should be, man. Look at you. You're like a different guy. Usually at this point, you're overthinking and anxious and panicky and overthinking and overthinking and distant and nervous and sweaty and overthinking.
Nick: You're trying to get in my head, and it's not gonna work.
Schmidt: Who could, man? Look at you. You're cool as a cucumber. You're Obama on the ski slopes. Now, get out there. Enjoy that cake with the woman that you love. Too soon? Forget about it.

Kylie: Who are you here to pick up?
Winston: Well, actually, uh, my boy cat is looking for a girl cat.
Kylie: Oh. Well, I might know a girl cat who's looking for a boy cat.
Winston: Oh, yeah?
Kylie: Mm-hmm.
Winston: Does the girl cat have all her parts?
Kylie: Um, yeah.
Winston: Yes? Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, maybe, uh, she could come over sometime?
Kylie: Like, our cats could go on a date?
Winston: Yes, you get it. You know, everyone else thought I was being weird. So, um, how often do you groom your cat?

Jess: I just want to know what I did wrong. How does the Captain normally go?
Nick: The what?
Jess: The Captain. What we just did.
Nick: I've never done that in my life. We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
Jess: What?! Why would I want to do that? That's degrading to not only women but all of mankind, Nick.
Nick: I know.
Jess: I only did that 'cause Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing-
Nick: Did you say, 'cause Schmidt said? No, no, no, no. Did you just- Did you talk to tight pants and eyebrows?

Jess: I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
Schmidt: Something wrong?
Jess: You set us up. I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo.
Schmidt: You see, your fatal flaw: communication. You won't shut up about your feelings, and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.
Nick: It's just the Chicago Bears. There's no brown.
Schmidt: Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it. Ooh, by the way, how was the Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass?
Jess: Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's very good 'cause my eyes are so buggy and big and I saw everything and I can't erase it from my memory.

Schmidt: No kissing in the living room! No. No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Cease lovemaking! All lovemaking must cease.
Jess: Get out of here, Schmidt!
Schmidt: Break up! Just break up already, pl- Oh, forget it. I'm just I'm-I'm-
Jess: Hey, no, no. What are you doing?
Nick: Oh, my God, he just hit my sack.
Schmidt: Body block! I'm pure core. I've been training for this. Yeah, human dental dam.

Winston: Okay, that's a good segue to some of the more relevant topics that I would like to cover in this meeting. Like, uh, personal space. Public space. Other people's medicines: taking them versus not taking them.
Schmidt: I am so aware of my nipples right now.
Winston: Okay, that's a good start.
Schmidt: If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream.
Winston: Boundaries. Any takers?

Jess: I love it.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: I don't- I don't know what it is.
Nick: All right, then yell something. [Jess yells] I soundproofed it.
Winston: [enters] What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
Nick: Get out of here, man. [Winston exits] He must- He must've literally been right by the door. It is soundproofed. That's what the egg crates are for.

Jess: Nick, I just want to say something. Um... This last month has been the best month of my life.
Nick: Me, too. I've never, you know, felt this way or had this with anybody. It's like there's been this fog around my life, and with you, all of a sudden it's gone.
Jess: I love that you can express your feelings now.
Nick: Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's kind of like gross but also good.You know? It's like an egg broke. And then, like, all the yolk comes out but it's good. I'm happy to admit I like love songs. I understand them. They're really sad. They're mostly about either the girl or the guy got away. They're heartbreaking numbers. The air-- Do you feel it? I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's nice. I feel like I'm on this whole new planet.
Jess: How about your two favorite planets? [undresses]
Nick: Oh, yeah, those are great. But I also feel like being with you, I've finally, for the first time, and I know this sounds crazy, but I can see the stars.

Nick: That is how you have sex, America.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: What's happening here is amazing. Like, I want to film it, but I don't want to film it 'cause that would be porn. And that time, I think I figured out what that thing underneath the thing was.
Nick: Yeah, you did.
Jess: And whoa, right?
Nick: Yeah, whoa.