Nick: What is this?!
Jess: Yarn.
Nick: What are you knitting, a mansion?! Oh, look at this. What do we have here? A bunch of beat-up old sacks.
Jess: My vintage purses.
Nick: Well, you know what? They could be sexier.
Jess: You want my purses to be sexier?
Nick: Would it kill you to get something sleek, covered in gems for once?
Jess: You want my purses to be covered in gemstones?
Nick: All guys do! That's what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems. But you girls don't listen!

Schmidt: How many times did you rub this thing and think a genie was gonna come out?
Winston: I ain't gonna lie to you man. I rubbed it, like, three times.
Schmidt: Yeah. I thought so.
Winston: You know, I'm not...
Schmidt: If a genie did come out, what would you wish for?
Winston: More candelabras.
Schmidt: Yeah, I bet.

Winston: I want you to have something.
Schmidt: Winston, literally, a gift is the last thing I des- This is-
Winston: There you go.
Schmidt: This is a candelabra.
Winston: Yeah. I bought it with the money that Nick owed me.
Schmidt: This is what you spent it on?
Winston: And now it's yours.
Schmidt: Uh-huh.
Winston: May it illuminate your path and lead you out of the darkness. That's what it says on the bottom.

Schmidt: So, yeah, I was dating both of them at the same time. I'm a mess. I can't sleep. I urinate constantly. I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
Rabbi Feiglin: Were the girls Jewish?
Schmidt: One Indian, one regular. Do you want to see a picture?
Rabbi Feiglin: I-I don't even know why you're here. You come in and say, "Do you have a minute?"
Schmidt: Okay, I'm-I'm sorry, Rabbi. It's just that... Okay, it's much more simple. How can I be a better person?
Rabbi Feiglin: Oh. Well, you seem awfully concerned with yourself. You might want to start thinking about the needs of others.
Schmidt: I think about others all the time. What- What I can get from them, how they can give me pleasure, do they have a silly little walk that I can make fun of?
Rabbi Feiglin: No, th-that's It's where you actually care about somebody else. You put their needs ahead of your own.
Schmidt: This is one of the few times that I wish I was Catholic. Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.
Rabbi Feiglin: Huh?

Nick: Sliders are beautiful.
Winston: I know, man. I knew you would think that.
Nick: I love 'em, dude.
Winston: That's why I made 'em.
[Winston starts a presentation on the TV, "You slider-ed your way into my heart!"]
Nick: What is that?
Winston: Brotherhood. Brotherhood, man.
Nick: All right, man. I respect you, man, no matter what.
Winston: That's what it's about, man.

Schmidt: Nicholas, good yontef. Are you well?
Nick: No, but good yontef. You know, I'm all steamed up. This money thing is tearing me apart, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, if it's bothering you that much, why don't you just give it away?
Nick: Son of a bitch!
Schmidt: Not, not to me, Nick, to charity, or tzedakah as my people call it.
Nick: That's what your people do?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: You beautiful genius. I like that. That frees me of my worries.
Schmidt: Oh, look at that! Another mitzvah! I'm two for two today.
Nick: Yeah! Mitzvah!

Schmidt: I saved a man.
Nick: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: You know, there was a lowly bike messenger. Was just riding along, choking on his gum. And I performed Heimlich's maneuver on him, rescued him.
Nick: Great.
Schmidt: Yeah, who's the good man now? You're almost forced to admit it. Almost... You're almost forced to admit it.
Nick: Yeah, I know.
Schmidt: I'm a hero, Nick, now. Just tell me that I'm a good man. I really need to hear it.
Nick: I don't even know if I'm a good person. I'm not the guy to ask. I have my moods.
Schmidt: But we're not talking about you. We're talking about me right now and how I'm a good person, so it'd be really nice if you could say that.
Nick: I'm ready to do a tzatziki.
Schmidt: Tzedakah. This is not about tzedakah right now. This is about me being a good man and you telling me that.

Nick: Hey, Jess, um... It's tzatziki is what it's called. It's a Jewish charity.

Schmidt: What happ- What happened to him?
Man: Well, he got smoked by a bus while he was having a bake sale for cancer kids.
Schmidt: For, for canc- For cancer kids?
Man: Yeah.
Schmidt: But he-he's, he's a great person.
Man: Bad things happen to good people all the time.
Schmidt: Of course they do. What am I even chasing here? What is the point of being a good person?
Man: Some say moral integrity is the cornerstone to humanity.
Schmidt: What do you know, you idiot? You choked on a piece of gum today.
Man: Hey, man, don't shoot the bike messenger.
Schmidt: That is a terrible joke! And none of this makes any sense!

Jess: Hey, Nick. Look, I know you're really angry and you have a right to be.
Nick: I have the right to be? I mean, why do you feel like you need to fix me? It's like you think you know better.
Jess: Well, I m... I might know better than you. Did you start a corporation?
Nick: Was it Fat Face?
Jess: I think so.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Well, you're getting taxed like crazy.
Nick: Well, that's because I thought I was filing a patent.
Jess: Fat Face is an invention?
Nick: Kind of in its intention... It was suppo it...