Jess: I'll just get the money back. Bill collectors are reasonable people, right?
Winston: That makes sense.

Schmidt: So, well, say it.
Nick: You got it.
Schmidt: S-Say that I'm a good man.
Nick: I'm giving away my money. I've been trying to listen to you this whole time!
Schmidt: Damn it, Nick, you are so drunk right now and at the bar you work at, no less.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: What happens with the rest of your day? Do you even think about that?
Nick: You don't understand drinking at all.
Drunk Man: Don't go. Heathcliff.

Schmidt: There he is, alive and well.
Man: Yeah.
Schmidt: Mazel. I br-brought you these. How's my brave little soldier doing, huh?
Man: Not great. They said that I'm never gonna be able to ride a bike again, so there goes my job.
Schmidt: Sure, sure. Do you think that I'm a good person?
Man: I... I don't really know you.
Schmidt: Well, what more do you need to know? If not for me, you probably would have died today.
Man: Well, somebody probably would have come along.
Schmidt: Just say that I'm a good person.
Man: Well, I mean-
Schmidt: Why is that so hard for you to say?
Man: Ow!
Schmidt: I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Jess: Nick!
Nick: What?
Jess: Stop it! Look, I like you the way you are. I'm just asking you to grow a little.
Nick: Are we ever gonna get to a point where you stop working on me? Instead of changing me, maybe once, Jess, see it my way.
Jess: Well, your way's crazy and illegal.
Nick: This is me, take it or leave it. I'm not changing for anyone. [Jess turns around to leave] Hey, where are you going? If you have something to say, just say it. Don't write me a note or...
Jess: That's the money I spent. Do what you want with it.
Nick: Thank you. Couple of best friend horses. That's neat. What else can you get on...?

Schmidt: Getting a little handsy there, Rabbi.
Rabbi Feiglin: Get out!
Schmidt: You know what I realize? Nothing matters, and that's great. You know why? Because if nothing matters, we can do whatever we want, Rabbi.
Rabbi Feiglin: Avram! Julio! [two Hebraic men appear]
Schmidt: Get away from me, man.
Rabbi Feiglin: Kick his ass!
Schmidt: All right, okay. YOLO! YOLO!

Winston: What the hell happened to you?
Schmidt: Got beat up by some rabbis. Well, Winston, we're all alone. Nothing matters. But you know what?
Winston: Look Schmidt, stop, all right? You're a good man. You did a bad thing doesn't make you bad. We just have to try to be better, you know?
Schmidt: Been waiting all day for somebody to tell me that. I... I really appreciate it.

Schmidt: Uh, uh, thank you for this really.
Winston: Look at it every single day and tell yourself "I'm a good person," 'cause you are.
Schmidt: You know what I might do, though? And it might seem like the opposite, but what I'm actually thinking is, maybe I'll just put it away somewhere, like in I don't know in the back of my closet so to keep it away from thieves.
Winston: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jess: Nick's right. I have too many purses.
Outside Dave: You're addicted to purses. I'm addicted to development fluid. I get it. This one's for meat, and this one's for shells.
Jess: You know what? Keep them. They're yours.
Outside Dave: Okay, thanks.
Jess: Also, heads up... The ass of your pants is missing.
Outside Dave: It's for the kitty cats.