Winston: Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me!
Nick: I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"!
Winston: You mean "woodwork"?
Nick: What is "woodwork"?!
Winston: What's "woodword"?!
Nick: Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money!

Nick: I don't even know. I don't know what's cool anymore.
Jess: It could be a good time to start a bank account.
Nick: Yeah, or I could just flush it down the toilet.
Jess: It's not really the same thing, but-
Nick: A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls. That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is. Um, under my nose. That saying actually does work.

Jess: Hi, I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
Keysha: Excuse me?
Jess: Well, I sent in a payment earlier for some tickets and I decided I don't want to pay them.
Keysha: Well, just cancel the checks.
Jess: Can't do that 'cause I paid cash 'cause my boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. Still shaving above the knee if you know what I mean.
Keysha: Mm-hmm. Let me get this straight. You want me to watch the mail and let you know if I see anything from your boyfriend.
Jess: Exactly.
Keysha: Fantastic. Should I call you or...?
Jess: Text, text would be great.
Keysha: Perfect. Let me put your number into my phone. [taps on phone]
Jess: I didn't give you my number yet.
Keysha: Oh, I think you did.

Jess: What is that?
Nick: This is my box. It's where I keep all my junk that I don't feel like dealing with.
Jess: That looks like a lot of bills. It's mostly bills.
Nick: Like I said, it's junk.
Jess: You know, I'm just brainstorming here, but what if you paid some of those bills with the money you just got?
Nick: Yeah. [chuckles] I'm gonna "pay my bill." And what's next? I'm gonna go to the doctor and get a checkup. Give them $500 to check my bones. You're being funny.

Nick: But what is money anyway? You know, it's just paper that some king on the mountains said was worth something. You know? Gold, I understand. It's shiny and you can make jewelry out of it. Silver? Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead. Brass creates the bells that make sound throughout the land. But we kill each other for paper. I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.
Drunk Man: You give me $50, I'll show you my private parts.

Jess: Are you a lifeguard?
Nick: No, that is a false certificate. Just a classic beach prank.
Jess: That seems dangerous.
Nick: It's funny, 'cause I I can't swim. Everyone was watching me, and I'm like, "I don't know". I was 13! I was 26. This is the problem with the box. It's my private stuff.
Jess: You've never once done jury duty or paid your taxes.
Nick: Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere. I stand by that. And I don't want to do jury duty or pay taxes.

Nick: Who needs changing, huh, who needs fixing? I'm gonna go through your personal drawers and see what needs changing. What are you, a zoo elephant?
Jess: Those are my night peanuts.
Nick: There shouldn't be day peanuts and night peanuts! They're just peanuts!
Jess: I'm sorry, why is that weird?

Nick: You just have a bunch of boxes? I would change that. Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
Jess: They're bobby pins.
Nick: What's a bobby pin?
Jess: It keeps your hair back.
Nick: You need Bobby's pins to put your hair up?
Jess: It's bobby pins, not Bobby's pins.

Jess: Well, I'm sorry I went through your damn box, but I was just trying to help you, Nick.
Nick: So maybe I'll try to help you. What if I went into your box? Not that.
Jess: Stop it!
Nick: I like that box, but I'm mad at you! I'm back to "You disrespected me."
Jess: I was just trying to help.
Nick: Well, then, how about this... Two can help. Okay? And if two are going to help, then I'll be one of them 'cause two can tango on this dance, okay? So, you want to waltz? Well, you picked the wrong dance partner. Two can play.
Jess: What?

Jess: I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8,000. I've never seen someone burn through money so fast. I should say something. Some of these shoes aren't even his size.
Winston: Look, Jess, you don't want to talk to Nick about money, okay? It is a very touchy subject.
Nick: I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place. Seems like rich guys always have pictures of themselves.
Winston: My man. Do you, baby.