Schmidt: It doesn't make any sense.
Rabbi Feiglin: Can you not see I'm in the middle of a bar mitzvah class here?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, they should hear this. A man helping cancer kids got creamed by a bus today.
Rabbi Feiglin: Everything happens for a reason.
Schmidt: But what if it doesn't happen for a reason? Maybe... Maybe there aren't any good guys and bad guys. Maybe there are just winners and losers. I was beating myself up, but maybe I should... [chuckles] Maybe I should have been celebrating. Have you ever dated two women at once?
Rabbi Feiglin: What are you talking about? I went to camp. They used to call me the Octopus.
Schmidt: Clearly, you have not, sir.
Rabbi Feiglin: That's enough. You get out of here right now! Out.

Eileen: All right, Mr. Miller, your checking account is good to go. Oh, there's just an eight dollar processing fee.
Nick: Eight dollars? That's a very specific amount. [chuckles] That's fine. It's your world, your rules, so...
Eileen: Excellent.
Nick: You go to the castle, you got to pay the king.
Jess: What is processing? What does that mean? It's just a word you use to make more money off of us. That makes me mad!
Nick: Me, too, yeah.
Jess: Hey, how about this? What's a bank?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: It's just a paper bag-
Nick: That's right. Yes!
Jess: ...with walls.
Eileen: You're making some really, really, really good points, ma'am.
Jess: You are the puppeteers that puppet the world.
Nick: No more banks! Or some banks, I don't care! But I want my money on a boat!

Jess: I understood at least 30% of the financial crisis, and guess what I got from that? You suck!
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: You suck so hard. And now, I'm gonna process this man's face, 'cause I think he's great. And I'm crazy about him.
Eileen: Fine, I'll waive the fee.
Jess: Yeah! We won eight dollars!
Eileen: Just wait till you have children. You'll never touch each other again.
Jess: [o.s.] Banks suck! Banks suck!

Winston: Damn, man. You look tired. Your eyes are puffy as hell.
Schmidt: I'm unwell, Winston. I'm just torn up about this whole Cece and Elizabeth thing. I feel so guilty, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Do you think that I'm good person?
Winston: I'm gonna...
Schmidt: Hey, guys, do you guys think that I'm a good person?
Nick: You're a terrible person. It's hilarious.
Jess: You cheated on my best friend, Schmidt.
Schmidt: F-Fair enough. Okay. Well, I'm better than Winston.
Nick: You're better at things than Winston, but he's a better person.
Schmidt: Winston freakin' stinks!
Winston: Okay, why am I being dragged into this?
Schmidt: Because I'm mad, Winston. And I'm tired. And I'm a good- I'm a good man.
Winston: Are you crying?

Nick: What's in there? It's a hand, isn't it? Just tell me if it's a hand.
Jess: Oh, my God! It is a hand.
Nick: It's a- I knew it. It's a hand. What does that mean, though?
Jess: Full of dollar bills, y'all!
Winston: You are rich, man!

Winston: I'm gonna be honest with you. Nick owes me $1,900 is my opportunity to get it back.
Jess: How are you expecting to get your money back if he blows it all on stupid stuff?
Winston: Oh, don't worry, Jess. I have a plan.
Jess: Hey, listen, you know you don't have to con him if he actually owes you money. You can just ask him. [Winston laughs] I just told you to ask him for the money. [laughing continues]

Schmidt: Oh, God. Whoa. Are you choking? You're choking. Okay. Uh... What, are you biking and eating? All right, I got you, I got you. Come on! Live! Live! Live, biker! Ew. Yeah!
Man: Thank you. You saved my life.
Schmidt: What?
Man: You saved my life. You saved my life.
Schmidt: I did. Yes. Yes.
Man: [panting] Thank you. Thank you.
Schmidt: Yes! Dude! This is exactly what I needed. Oh, my God. Let us rejoice in song. Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu
Man: Please call 911. I'm hurt.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, no, that's a great idea. I'm gonna call 911. I hope you don't have a dance recital later. I'm just kidding. Don't look at your legs. [Man wails]

Jess: [on the phone] That's, uh, $900 to the Parking Authority of Los Angeles. Oh, is it okay to mail cash? I'm gonna do it anyway. All right, it's on its way.

Winston: Yeah, and, um in the spirit of brotherhood just 'cause we on that level right now I was just thinking... Maybe, I don't know, um...
Nick: Anything, man. Shoot.
Winston: Oh, man. Maybe you can just pay me back that money that you owe me. Remember? 'Cause you owe me that money? Uh, Nick? Nick?
Nick: Oh...
Winston: Nick? Nick? Hey, Nick.
Nick: Oh, you stink!
Winston: Um, can we?
Nick: You son of- You son of a bitch, Winston!

Jess: Look, it was so much worse than I thought. Why does he have the deed to an old Mercury Cougar in there?
Winston: Oh, yeah, he lost that.
[flashback to the guys in vacation clothes at the airport:]
Schmidt: For crying out loud, where is it? We've been looking for hours.
Nick: It's done.
Winston: What about your car, Nick?
Nick: I said it's done.