Schmidt: Wait a minute, is your e-mail address OwwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
Winston: Still?
Coach: Yeah, man. Picked it in college. It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP. We've been everywhere together, brotha. Never done .org or a .gov. I would never do that.
Winston: Right.
Coach: But every other damn domain.
Schmidt: You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like OwwMeSoErnie. Although, you did got a job at a school, so what do I know?

Schmidt: I can hear it. I can hear it building its house. Building its sticky, deadly house that you can never leave. Building it. With its ass.

Schmidt: Where is it? We've got to hunt it down. We got to have a spiderhunt.
Nick: We're not having one of those.
Coach: No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
Schmidt: Guys, they're all over me!
Jess: This is childish, and you need to get over it.
Schmidt: Jess, would you please? You know this fear comes from a very real place-- 1999. American Pie was sweeping the nation. And everybody was doing it with pies. I just happened to accidentally fall asleep right afterwards. And when I awoke, the dried apple filling was... it just had attracted so many spiders, and they were all over it, and I...

Jess: Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?
Coach: Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
Nick: I don't know "everyone," Jess.
Coach: I might have dabbled.

Winston: [on the phone] Jess is starting to find your behavior... "suspicious." That's a police word.
Cece: It's not a police word, Winston. It's a very common word. And you know why I'm keeping my distance. I like Schmidt.
Winston: For the second time!
Cece: I know how many times.
Winston: Ah. Ah. If you could see my face right now, I'm smiling, and I'm saying, "Ah."
Cece: And if Jess finds out, she's gonna want to get involved, and I don't want her involved because there's nothing that she can do.
Winston: Look, if you act suspicious, then she's gonna be suspicious, all right? Look, don't slink your head in the dumps. You got to raise your hand with the sunshine wh-where people walk, you know? Because that's what
the whole point of the... when the... [stammers] if you can lead 'em to water, but you can't make a sound, right? Look, just call her.
Cece: Fine, okay, I'll call her. But... and listen to me, she cannot find out. Under no circumstance.
Winston: Okay, baby. Look, your secret is safe with me. That being said, I am not a smooth man.
Cece: Yeah, I get that.

Jess: But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable.
Nick: Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot. But if I'm being honest, you know-- and I haven't talked to her about this-- but... I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad.
Jess: Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.
Nick: That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.
Jess: I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.
Nick: Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.
Jess: [scoffs] Nick. I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.

Coach: Do you think a good subject line is "The Inside of You"?
Schmidt: Hey, you know, I bet I could spot this spider a lot better if I was on your shoulders.
Coach: Do not ask me again to get on my shoulders. That's a once-a-year thing, and you already used it on Halloween, when we were ten-foot-tall Ralph Macchio.
[flashback to them struggling to get into the elevator as a ten-foot-tall Karate Kid]
Schmidt: That was cool.
Coach: I didn't like that. I could feel your genitals on the back of my neck like an airplane pillow.

Coach: So I'm finally e-mailing that girl, May.
Winston: Nice.
Coach: Here's what I got so far. "Dear May. Lay down on me."
Winston: Well, th-then what?
Nick: You met this woman weeks ago, I can't believe you haven't e-mailed her. Just text her.
Coach: If I had her number, I would text her. She gave me her e-mail. And now I have to write how I feel. Which is weird, it's like... I-I like her. Much.
Winston: You like her much?
Coach: All right. "Girl, it's warm today. Yesterday was warm, too. Yeah." Yeah, I'm gonna write, "Yeah."
Winston: You're happy about this?

Jess: Is she mad at someone?
Winston: Ah... no. No. No, she's not mad at anyone. It's the opposite. Mm.
Jess: It's the opposite?
Winston: That's not what I said.
Jess: You said, "No, no, she's not mad at anyone. It's the opposite."
Winston: I said, "Whoa, whoa. Cheese is bad e'ryone. Let's stop and spit."

Winston: Jess, you can't talk to Cece because Cece, you know, and Nick, they just won't work. 'Cause I was talking to Nick. He said, "Winston." I was like, "What's up, Nick?" He said...
Jess: What?
Winston: He said she ugly.
Jess: He said what?!
Winston: He said she look like a dang ol' meatball with hair.
Jess: New teams!