Schmidt: Okay, it says here, we need "a murder of peppercorn," and a... and "some of that flat Jew bread"? Miller family!
Winston: Murder is over there.

Schmidt: Fawn is coming over for a midnight fondue supper. There's no chocolate or cheese on this earth that makes a cube of bread pop like The Sauce.
Jess: Your girlfriend's coming over for the first time, and you asked Nick to cook?
Schmidt: True, normally food à la Nick would be less appealing to me than licking the floor of a beach bathroom. But I want Fawn to have the best, and The Sauce is the best.
Jess: Good for you-- when you said "Fawn" and then "fondue," I definitely thought you were headed in the direction of-- Step one: fondue. Step two: do Fawn.
Schmidt: That's not bad.
Coach: Yeah, and I was like, "Fondue is Fawn done." [snickers]
Schmidt: Th-These are all good.

Jess: Oh, Schmidt, you have something on your pants.
Schmidt: Ah! It's a spider! [shrieks]
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets-- he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.
Coach: Which is offensive in present day 'cause it seems like a gay stereotype they tried to sneak by us. [imitates elephant trumpeting with lisp] "Where's my balance ball? There's a mouse loose in the house."

Schmidt: Jess, please, hurry up, we're on a hunt! It could be right above our heads right now. Hanging from its butt-rope.

Winston: Oh, she's coming over?
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: Good, man.
Jess: Took a lot of cajoling.
Winston: That's cool.
Jess: Normally, it's like, she'll come over all the time.
Winston: But now it's diff... I don't know why that would be the case at all, but that's cool-- I respect the
decision for her to come over.
Jess: Why are you acting weird?
Winston: I'm acting weird?
Jess: Do you know something?
Winston: Do...? You... I'm not a smooth man.

Jess: We're breaking up into two-person teams. Cece. Each team has one Smusher and one Jar-Man.
Jess: Nick, I'm gonna make you a Smusher since you have to stir.
Nick: Hey, am I stirring right now? Or is my arm still and the world is stirring?

Jess: Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend and my best friend? [groans] I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan! Or the other way around.
Winston: Now, I know those are the characters from the original 90210. But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan-- was his nickname the Peach Pit? 'Cause I remember... I remember that being a whole thing.
Jess: I'm sorry, I'm a little wound up.
Winston: You should be wound up because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit. You have every right to be mad, Jess, but just do it quietly. You know, just do it on the low, do it in here.

Nick: 30 seconds, and you haven't brought up the popcorn machine.
Cece: Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to drop it. You know, even Jess didn't want to hear about it, and she'll listen to Schmidt discussing Andy Cohen discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe.
Nick: Well, great, I'm glad that's behind us.
Cece: Yeah.
Nick: Now let's never speak of popcorn machines again.

Nick: You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell.
Jess: The smell?
Nick: The smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.
Jess: You told Cece you think all women...
Nick: Don't make this a feminist thing...
Jess: It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
Nick: How? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge.
Jess: [gasps] I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you.
Nick: I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...

Schmidt: Hey, what are these? I've always wondered.
Winston: Those are grapes.
Coach: Uh, they're our glass grapes, bro.
Schmidt: Grapes?
Coach: Brings the whole, like, room together.
Schmidt: What the hell they doing in the loft?
Coach: Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
Schmidt: You know, it's like I've never looked around this house before. Skimboards, a boxing glove. Who in this loft has been to a single Coachella, let alone six of them?