Jess: [answers phone] Hey, Mom.
Joan Day: Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt. I know the morning is the most sensual time of day. But, um, I need you. It's your sister.
Jess: Abby? What is it?
Joan Day: She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego.
Nick: How's everything with your sister?
Joan Day: I mean, she was caught stealing, they called the cops, it's a mess.
Schmidt: [to Nick] Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl.
Winston: Hey, Jess has a sister?
Nick: Yeah, I've never met her.
Joan Day: I need you to go to the jail, pick her up and put her on a plane home.
Jess: Oh, that's fabulous.
Joan Day: And by the way, um I don't know what kind of jail this is. So be prepared for anything. I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love.
Jess: Okay.
Joan Day: Love you. Hi Nick.

Nick: So, what's up with your sister?
Jess: Well, she's coming to town.
Nick: Great!
Cece: Ooh, yikes, that's...
Jess: The best news ever? I know! It's so, so, so, so, so, so, so good.

Jess: So, I'll probably meet her at the airport for a little layover hang.
Schmidt: Why are you ignoring me, Nick?
Nick: 'Cause I'm paying-
Schmidt: Nick.
Nick: attention to my girlfriend.
Schmidt: There, a reaction! Thank goodness! Now I know I'm not a ghost.

Cece: Hey, hey. Are you really letting Nick meet Abby?
Jess: Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail. Like, straight-up jail. I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry. Bye, Nick! I'll see you later!
Nick: [o.s.] I'm out of shampoo! Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference!
Jess: Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! [whispers to Cece] He's never going to meet her.

Abby: Why don't you just for once in your life do something that you're not supposed to do?
Jess: I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day.

Schmidt: Oh! Hello! What a day.
Old Woman: Oh a special day. Oh, take my hand.
Schmidt: Take your hand.
Old Woman: A special day.
Schmidt: You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you?
Old Woman: Mmm, I did.
Nick: I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. [tips yarmulke]
Old Woman: May I take your hand, too?
Nick: You can take anything you want, Shirley.

Cece: So, yeah, just the just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight?
Coach: Yeah, just, uh just-just you and me. Uh, and Bertie. And Winston. Just eating night lunch.
Cece: Yeah, like a you know, like a date. But not a date 'cause...
Coach: Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: So, uh... What is that? Is that a onesie?
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: How do you how do you take it off to use the bathroom?
Cece: Mmm

Cece: You look, you know, amazing.
Abby: You look amazing. Look at you. Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore.
Cece: [flatly] Oh, my God. You're just the best.

Abby: [to Coach and Cece] Mmm, you want to have sex with her, you are not so sure. If she doesn't want to put out, I will.
Jess: Abby Day.
Coach: There you go.
Jess: [sings] Abby Day, she always says The most inappropriate stuff.
Abby: You a cappella sing at me one more time, I'll rip that stupid little dress off you and shove it down your mouth.
Jess: Okay, I'm scared of you. [sings] Let's go in my room [quality] Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.

Nick: What a spread, huh?
Rabbi Feiglin: Terrible.
Nick: I agree.
Rabbi Feiglin: Thank God I have pizza in my car.
Nick: Yeah, that's very funny.
Rabbi Feiglin: What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke.
Nick: Who has pizza in their car?
Rabbi Feiglin: Listen, when I make a joke, you'll know it. I'm a joke machine.
Nick: What are the chances? I love jokes!
Rabbi Feiglin: Oh, good, okay. Uh... Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter?
Nick: No.
Rabbi Feiglin: Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?" [Nick laughs]