‘Sister’
Season 3, Episode 16 - Aired February 11, 2014
Jess is asked to pick up her older sister Abby (Linda Cardellini) from jail. Meanwhile, Schmidt recruits Nick as his wingman for a bar mitzvah, and Winston and Bertie have a dinner party with Coach and Cece.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Rack-hael! Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.
Rachael: Oh, thank you! Uh, Shabbat sha-hello.
Schmidt: [laughs] Yeah. It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute.
Rachael: Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
Schmidt: How's Hebrew school?
Rachael: It's fine. It's the only place that would hire me after I got out of rehab.
Quote from Nick
Rabbi Feiglin: Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
Nick: 'Cause they're rich people.
Rabbi Feiglin: Yeah, they well, these particular Jews happen to be rich, but they worked hard.
Nick: I'm sorry. [phone rings] Hold on...
Rabbi Feiglin: Telephone call in the middle of a punch line?
Nick: Hey.
Rabbi Feiglin: Generation's the worst!
Quote from Jess
Nick: [on the phone] Hey, what's going on?
Jess: So Abby's flight is crazy delayed. Um, so, no time for dinner.
Nick: I can come right now, Jess.
Jess: No. Um, she has, um, a conference call with Hong Kong about a very important, uh... fashion business, uh, venture magazine conference.
Nick: Well, maybe I'll see her next time.
Quote from Schmidt
Rabbi Feiglin: Oh, no, no, no, no! You will not speak to my daughter! Rachael, this man is a nut ball!
Schmidt: A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball.
Rabbi Feiglin: Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball. You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr.
Schmidt: I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball.
Rabbi Feiglin: You're bad news. Bad news.
Rachael: Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me. Let him! Oh, I love sex! [whispering to Schmidt] Text me. Text me.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: What was that, man?
Nick: Jess is embarrassed of me. Can you believe that?
Schmidt: What a shanda.
Nick: What's a shanda?
Schmidt: A shanda! What a shanda!
Quote from Jess
Jess: You see what you're doing, right?
Abby: [gasps] Oh, my God. I'm Mom. [Jess laughs] No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen? "Just a little bit."
Jess: "Just a tipple."
Abby: "I don't want to get stoned."
Jess: Hey, I love that she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned." [Abby laughs] Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got one of those very, very small denim backpacks.
Abby: What?
Jess: She did, and she calls it her blue guy. She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy."
Abby: Can't believe you're making fun of Mom. You're her perfect little baby.
Jess: I'm... Hey, I'm... I'm not really a baby.
Abby: You're a super grownup.
Jess: Thank you.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?
Outside Dave: Sorry. I'm doing my taxes. Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Not sure my body's built for these chairs.
Schmidt: It's a regular chair, man.
Nick: Yeah.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you.
Nick: Ah, she doesn't hate me. She's just ashamed of me or something.
Schmidt: Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world.
Nick: Easy. Okay, slow down.
Schmidt: I apologize if I went overboard.
Nick: Water under the bridge.
Schmidt: I've never been ashamed.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man. Feel like I blew it.
Schmidt: Well, she was kind of nutty. What happened to us, man? We used to be the best in the biz.
Nick: We still are. I'm the best wingman that's ever wung.