Jess: What? I thought you were supposed to be some kind of big shark, and you were playing her.
Schmidt: About the noise. Given the many considerations... traffic, budgets...
Jess: Okay, what is happening? What are you doing with your thumb?
Schmidt: We feel it best to proceed
with the given strategy.
Jess: She played you!
Schmidt: I know, and it was wildly arousing!

Schmidt: Hey, listen, about the construction issue...
Fawn Moscato: We've discussed that. Look, changing that schedule's a logistical nightmare, not to mention the people it'll piss off. The sewage lobby's involved in that project, and trust me, you don't want to cross them.
Schmidt: Did they shoot poopy everywhere?
Fawn Moscato: How old are you? No. No, they just... They contribute money to my opponent.
Schmidt: Of course. No, I... I knew that. They... Why would they shoot poopy everywhere?
Fawn Moscato: No.
Schmidt: Yeah. Got it.

Winston: First day on the job. Is this where you tell me to forget everything I learned in training?
Aly: N... no! Remember everything. Bishop, if you have a problem with me being your training officer, put down your ice cream cone, take your frickin' thumbs out of your mouth, and say it to my face!
Winston: What?! I don't have a problem with you.
Aly: Did you or did you not tell your roommates to come check up on me?
Winston: What?! They did that?
Aly: Yeah.
Winston: Oh, my goodness, I am so "furiated" right now. I am very lucky to have you as my training officer. My roommates don't speak for me. I promise you will never have to see them again.
Aly: They're right there. They're literally right there.
Winston: When you step to the badge, the badge step back.
Aly: Don't ever say that in my car again.

Winston: What the hell are you two doing here? And why are you talking to Aly behind my back? She said that you guys gave her weird unwrapped candy and then you stole toilet paper from the station bathroom. We need that toilet paper.
Nick: Because we're worried about you! We're trying to protect you.
Winston: What?
Nick: She's so small, Winston.
Winston: You guys should have faith in me. I got a badge, I got a diploma, and I got a special plastic thing that goes over my hat for when it rains.

Nick: I can't go to jail. I'm too sarcastic for the white gangs.
Coach: Yeah, man, I'll get passed around in there like a bong.

Jess: The dangers of noise pollution are real. According to the World Wide Web, it can cause lack of concentration, nervousness, and misunderstandings. [banging] Sir! Sir... clearly, manual labor has sculpted your body perfectly, but could you please be quiet?
Ryan: [New York accent:] Sorry, lady, I gotta work all night.
Jess: But, sir, people live and work here. Babies sleep, dogs nap by the window. Immigrants share noodles and dance to records, with abandon.
Ryan: You're right! We should be looking out for each other.
Jess: You said it, handsome guy. But you know who else should be looking out for us? The city. [cheering and applause]

Schmidt: [to Cece] Would you stop clapping? This is an abomination. By the way, he... the only reason he got that role is because he's sleeping with her.
Ryan: [New York accent:] You want to get a cheeseburger sandwich? My nights just freed up.
Jess: Of course. That sounds great now that I can hear you.

Schmidt: So, that was a huge failure. I feel like a Democrat. Why'd you have to say that about my jacket?
Cece: All right. Okay, look, Jess told me to. I mean, I thought your sleeves were fine. And by "fine," I mean I could not care less.

Jess: Oh, hello, shark. I am woman, the smartest species of them all. [slurps] I didn't realize I'd finished that. I've been waiting here a while.
Schmidt: You underhanded pig woman. You know, there are certain things that you don't do, and exploiting a man's love of tailoring is one of them. Which makes what you did all the more impressive.
Jess: Well, I felt dirty. I felt like Evil Winston. Remember when Winston was evil for that week?
Schmidt: I can't believe I blew it with Fawn. You know, she said that we could have sex in the room where O.J. tried on the glove.
Jess: Schmidt, it doesn't matter what happened at the meeting. She doesn't care about you. She's a power-hungry, self-obsessed woman who just wants a man to shut up and look pretty. That's not what you want, is it?

Coach: Why are we in a church?
Nick: I once saw a priest drop his keys and bend over and pick it up, and it was just so human that it ruined religion for me.
Aly: It's a support group for families. And now... weird friends.
[later:]
Coach: And I know that his training officer is scary strong. But, um, he's still my friend and the bad guys are still bad and I just wish I could put him in a giant envelope and just... just mail him away from all the bad guys... [crying]
Nick: There's no shame in this. Do not judge this man.
Moderator: We won't. This is a support group.
Nick: I know what you're thinking: he looks like a little punk. He looks like a little boy.
Moderator: We... we try not to call names here.
Nick: Everybody look down. Don't look at him!