New Girl Quotes

New Girl

New Girl

A quirky teacher, Jess, moves in to a loft with three guys after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend.

Starring: Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, Damon Wayans, Jr., Hannah Simone, Lamorne Morris.
Recurring Actors: Megan Fox, Nasim Pedrad, Nelson Franklin, Rob Reiner, Jamie Lee Curtis, Justin Long.
Original Run: 2011-2018.

Quote of the Day

Quote from Jess in Fancyman, Part 2

Jess: Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief.
Jess: No, what do you call top, no pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington.
Winston: Honey the Smacks Frog.
Schmidt: There's a Donald the Duck. I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi 'cause that's naked with a tie.
Winston: Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
Jess: I saw his entire butt.

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Quote from Winston in Secrets

Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Quote from Schmidt in Godparents

Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Quote from Nick in Young Adult

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those- those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

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Quote from Nick in Glue

Nick: So you want me to read in front of people. You want me to read in front of living people... [voice squeaking] ...who are there to hear me read. And how will I... how will I even know what to read?
Reagan: You're gonna read your book.
Nick: I'll read my book. Fine. This is good. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Oh, I feel like my heart
is pumping out scalding hot toilet water.
Reagan: See, a vivid description like that is gonna make the audience go wild.
Nick: Ah, the audience! I just forgot the audience, and now I remember the audience. I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Quote from Schmidt in The Story of the 50

Schmidt: So, it's my birthday.
Jess: Right now?
Schmidt: Right now.
Jess: Happy birthday.
Schmidt: Happy birthday, Schmidt. I'm 29, folks. What's up? 29! 29! [laughs] Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? That feels embarrassing. Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think. Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess?
Jess: Maybe a little bit.
Schmidt: Maybe.

Quote from Schmidt in Lillypads

Schmidt: Okay, well, that's enough, Jess. You're sending Ruth straight to Triangles. You hear that? [mimics a chicken] That's the schoolyard chickens. And they're... and they're pecking at Ruth. And this time, they want her eyes.
Ruth: I need my eyes for TV.
Schmidt: Oh, honey, don't you worry about a thing, okay? Daddy's gonna take over now. But the clock is a-ticking, so let's start with a drill.
Jess: No. No drills.
Schmidt: DRILL is an acronym. D: Do it. R : Redo it. I: Imitate what you just did. L: Learn to keep doing it. L: Live the rest of your life doing it. DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.
Jess: Technically, that's an acrostic. [high-pitched] Sweet burn, Jess.
Schmidt: Yeah. You got me. DRILL.