Schmidt: But let me tell you something, Jess. She played you, too.
Jess: No, she didn't.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Jess: No, she didn't. I filled out the form, I submitted it. Here's the confirmation, right here. "Thank you for your inquiry. We will respond in 360-500 days... !"
Schmidt: Isn't she great?
Jess: She can't just walk all over the people of the city like the Jolly Green Giant.
Schmidt: Jolly Green Giant... He doesn't stomp on people. He encourages them to eat their vegetables.

Schmidt: Ah. N... noise. N... noise. Where would... where would we be without you?
Outside Dave: I don't know.
Schmidt: A tree falls, a cabin is made, uh... [muttering] It just... this doesn't... doesn't look right. A woman screams, a b... a baby is b... a baby is born.
Fawn Moscato: Maybe if the speaker would stop fiddling with his jacket...
Schmidt: I just... It... It just doesn't feel like these are...
Outside Dave: He's saying all the right things.
Schmidt: That son-of-a-bitch tailor ruined my jacket. [sighs] That... that baby that screamed becomes a man and that... that was the story of Abra... Abraham Lincoln.
Jess: How dare you evoke Lincoln! He was our quietest president!
Schmidt: I feel... I'm just so... I'm so uncomfortable right now, because of my sleeves. I feel like an idiot up here, in this jacket! Nobody's telling me my... my... The tailoring is off! I'm going... I'm seeing... I'm seeing a new tailor, everyone.
Fawn Moscato: Sir... ?
Outside Dave: My tailor's great. I'll give you his number: Eight.
Schmidt: I look like a freaking matador in this thing! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Winston: How do I look? What do you guys think?
Schmidt: Not bad, Winston. I'll tell you what, man... you look like the funny guy from Police Academy who does the... the voices, - and different sounds.
Winston: [imitates radio beeping and siren wailing]
Schmidt: God, I wish marketers had a uniform.

Jess: [construction clatter begins in distance] To Winston Bishop, owner of cats, taker of baths, graduate of the LAPD. [workman shouts, clatter and banging continue] We are so... I'm so proud of you!
Winston: What?
Jess: I'm so proud of you.
Winston: You're proud of me?
Jess: Oh! When is this night construction gonna stop?
Winston: I actually don't mind it. Gets me ready for all the loud action on the job, you know what I mean?

Nick: I can't believe Winston's gonna be a cop. I mean, he's the gentlest person I know. He once broke his arm wrapping presents.
Coach: Remember when he made this? [holds a cat bowl labeled "my cat"] He's the sweetest guy in the world, man. He's just so nice and... vulnerable.
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: Although... Don't know what this is for. [holds a cat bowl reading "Winston"]

Jess: I've had a report of people acting lame back here.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Ow, Jess!
Jess: Also, I tazed Schmidt.
Winston: All right, seriously... no more playing with the uniform.

Announcer: Officer Leslie Biggins.
Cece: Okay, Biggins, so Bishop's gonna be next, okay? Come on.
Nick: All right, here we go. [all stand up]
Announcer: Officer Hank Bishop.
Coach: Eh... [all sit down]
Jess: Oh, that one.
Announcer: Officer Win... [all stand up] ... field Bishop.
Schmidt: Ooh. [all sit down] Well that's gonna cause a lot of mix-ups over at the station.
Announcer: Officer Winston Bishop.
All: Oh! [whooping]
Nick: Winston...
All: [chanting] Winston, Winston, Winston, Winston, Winston,
Coach: Yes! Winnie! [horn blares]
Jess: Aah!
Coach: Sorry.

Jess: Wow, a lot of city officials around here. Maybe somebody can help us with our noise problem.
Schmidt: Okay, enough of this by-the-book nonsense. It's time to play hardball. Be a shark, Jess. Not a dolphin.
Jess: Right. So I shouldn't be the smartest and friendliest creature in the ocean? That makes sense, bro.
Schmidt: Sharks eat whatever they want. Dolphins... they jump through hoops, so, yeah, I think it does make sense.
Jess: No, it's awesome, bro.
Schmidt: Okay, stop mockingly saying "bro."

Ryan: My uncle was arrested for having sex with a dolphin.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: What?
Ryan: Carry on.
Cece: I'm having a lot of difficulty nailing you down, Ryan.

Coach: So, Winnie, where's your bad-ass training officer?
Winston: Oh, guys, I would like for you to meet the person who will be training me as I brave the mean streets of L.A.: Officer Aly Nelson.
Nick: She's so small.
Winston: What... say...
Aly: Excuse me?
Nick: You're so small, you're...
Aly: What is happening?
Coach: I think what he was trying to say was that, um...
Aly: Yeah?
Coach: we were expecting someone who looks a little more like a cop in the traditional sense.
Nick: That's what I meant.
Winston: No, no, no...
Aly: Wow.
Coach: I'm not trying to offend you, we were just expecting, like, uh, either a really strong man or kind of like a guy with, like, a mustache.
Aly: Got it. And flowers are a... that's a normal thing to give to a grown man? Or are they trees? I can't tell, I'm so small. Cool friends, Bishop.
Winston: No, wait, Officer Nelson, just... Thank you. Thank you very much, you guys. Oh, also, thank you for the flowers. And just so we're clear... the first thank you was sarcastic, because you embarrassed me, but the second thank you was sincere as hell, because these flowers are glorious.