Jess: Hey, Mom. Mom, uh, Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress. Right, Nick?
Joan Day: Thank you.
Nick: [clears throat] I really like your de, uh... your de... de-college.

Big Schmidt: Say hello to my sister wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt. All right, time for delts?
Schmidt: Oh, yeah?
Big Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: I'm slowly regretting this.
Big Schmidt: Definition is for chicks, man. All right, it's all about size. I mean, look at the mass on this bitch.
Schmidt: Stupid.
Big Schmidt: What's your calf situation like?
Schmidt: Calves? Want to see some ankle circles? Look at that. Some donkey raises? One, two...

Bob Day: Jess, what are you doing?
Jess: Watching the game.
Bob Day: You're doing the parent trap thing again.
Jess: What? Dad...
Bob Day: 'Yes.
Jess: I have a master's degree. I'm not parent trapping.
Bob Day: You're such a liar.
Jess: Seriously, I'm not... Okay. Fine, you're right.
Bob Day: You need help.

Jess: Why do I do that? I don't understand. Every time, it never worked out. Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick.
Nick: [singing to Joan] Every time I try to tell you The words just come out wrong
Jess: Nick!
Nick & Joan: So I have to say "I love you" In a song.
Jess: Nick!
Joan Day: I love that.

Bob Day: You just wanted me for my body.
Joan Day: Yup.
Bob Day: And I'm fine with that.

Cece: Jess, you got to let it go, okay?
Jess: No, I'm not letting it go!
Cece: You have to admit that...
Jess: No. What?
Cece: they're never gonna make it work.
Jess: No.
Joan Day: And you scratched my van.
Jess: Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van.
Joan Day: I knew it. I knew it. Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Cece: Okay, the reason I was in your van is because your little JujuBe was high as a kite!
Joan Day: Oh. Oh, my God. Honey, are you an addict?
Bob Day: Oh, this is new information.
Jess: It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate.
Bob Day: Yes. What, are you living with drug dealers?
Winston: When can we start eating?
Joan Day: Are you into pot? Is this a rehab?
Bob Day: What are you doing? Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?
Jess: I don't sell my body for rent, no!

Joan Day: Katherine cheated?
Bob Day: Yeah.
Joan Day: Oh, Bob, that's terrible, I'm so sorry.
Bob Day: Yeah.
Joan Day: No, really, I had no idea.
Bob Day: Yeah, well, yeah.
Joan Day: Oh, sorry, really. Come here, come here, let me...
Bob Day: Salmonella... Salmonella.

[flashback to young Jess and Cece in her bedroom:]
Young Jess: Mom, Dad, help, there's a man in the room. He's trying to get us to eat candy.
Bob Day: Jess, Jess. Jess? Jess, are you okay? What's the matter? Are you...?
[Jess closes her bedroom door on her mom and dad]
Bob Day: Oh, damn it, Jess, that's the second time today.

[flashback to Joan in the shower as Jess opens the shower curtain:]
Younger Jess: Smile, Mom, you still got it.
Joan Day: Jessica, what are you doing?
Younger Jess: I want him to see what he's missing.
Joan Day: You're texting your father?!