Nick: Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

Joan Day: Jess. Honey, can I come in? Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?
Jess: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I ruined the whole day, and it could have been really nice, but it wasn't, 'cause I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal. I just... I thought... maybe you guys could make each other happy.
Joan Day: We're actually happier apart.
Jess: Maybe I just worried that... since you guys are alone that means that I have to end up alone.
Joan Day: You're not gonna be alone. Even if you were, you could always move in with me. We could get a condo in Miami. Mm. And start solving crimes together. God, you have to lighten up, Jess. It's just life.
Jess: Yeah, you know what? We could definitely Grey Gardens the crap out of a condo in Miami. Can't wait to eat cat food with you.

Jess: Okay, listen up, guys, my mom is gonna be here at 9:00 and she's staying till 2:00, and then my dad's going to be here at 2:30 and he's gonna stay till 7:30. I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad. Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much. He's so unhappy.
Nick: I'm not into dads, I'm not a dad guy. I don't like 'em, don't trust 'em, never have.

Schmidt: Jess, I'm not done with that. That's $18 granola ... handmade.
Nick: $18 for granola?
Jess: Okay, you're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals today, so starve yourself.
Winston: Jess, I get it that your parents are divorced, but can't they just have one meal together?
Cece: Yeah, sure, they can if they're both gagged and blindfolded.

Joan Day: Oh, come on over, I just want to give you all a big hug. Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug. Do it, come on. Come on, we'll do a big hug ball, come on. Come on, Cece, you know how to do this.
Cece: Yep.
Joan Day: You in the white shirt.
Nick: I don't do hug balls.
Joan Day: Come on in. Hug ball jumping, hug ball jumping.

Bob Day: Oh, dear God. A hug ball?
Jess: Dad.
Joan Day: Well, hello, Bob.
Jess: You're early.
Bob Day: You know what I'm thankful for today? Divorce.

Jess: Hey, Dad, you want to help us?
Bob Day: I have to stay away from salmonella.
Joan Day: You don't have to lick it, Bob.
Bob Day: No, no, no, my doctor says...
Joan Day: It was a joke, it was just a joke.
Bob Day: I have a sense of humor. If that was a joke, here is a pencil. Draw me a map to the joke.

Joan Day: I liked her.
Bob Day: You did?
Joan Day: No, no.
Bob Day: I didn't think so.

Nick: I'm not doing a parent trap.
Jess: Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: We're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.
Nick: Your parent trap ... there's no identical twins or mistaken identity? Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.
Jess: The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.
Nick: A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; They don't work. I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. Let's do this parent trap.

Joan Day: Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you, just tell me the truth ... Did you drive my van?
Cece: Joan, I have told you this. It wasn't me.
Joan Day: Okay, I believe you. [stands up] I know it was you. Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric.