Schmidt: A classic julienne.
Big Schmidt: Marine Corps Cook of the Year 2003. [grunts] And I can do the same thing to a man's arm.
Schmidt: Yeah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's the sound of round two.

Schmidt: Look at that plating. It's like Picasso.
Big Schmidt: It's nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.
Schmidt: He is still relevant.
Big Schmidt: Where? Phoenix?

Big Schmidt: Answer me a question. Which one of these platings is more masculine?
Cece: Look, do you guys want to know what the ultimate test is? Being secure in your masculinity.
Schmidt: How do we prove that?
Big Schmidt: I'm super secure.
Cece: You kiss a man.
Big Schmidt: [scoffs] Yeah.
Cece: If you want to be the one true Schmidt. I mean...
Schmidt: No. We don't.
Big Schmidt: I'll kiss a man.
Schmidt: I'll kiss a man. Yeah, I'll kiss a man.
Cece: Winston. Yeah, he'd do.
Schmidt: Winston?
Winston: I could go for some stuffing right now. Am I right? Yeah, love me some stuffing.

Jess: I'm gonna make a toast. Parent Trap's just a movie. And real relationships are not like that. They're more complicated than that. And they're not even real twins.
Big Schmidt: Twins! Yes! I'm thankful for twins. They're like sisters, but they do it, and they like to have sex.
Jess: Schmidts.
Big Schmidt: What?!
Schmidt: What?
Jess: In conclusion... I want to say what I'm thankful for. Family. They said... it couldn't be done. They said, "You're crazy, Jess." I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong.

Nick: Congratulations, guys. We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.
Joan Day: No, no, no, no, no.
Nick: We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.
Jess: It was the greatest day of my entire life.
Nick: Greatest day of mine.
Jess: There was so much love there.
Nick: And sex. Sex energy, too, Jess.
Jess: And se-sex.
Nick: You lit this place on fire, you two animals.

Joan Day: It was just a kiss.
Jess: It was a great kiss.
Joan Day: It was a hookup. It mean nothing.
Schmidt: Listen, if Joanie's up for grabs, I volunteer.
Big Schmidt: I volunteer, too.
Schmidt: I volunteered first.
Big Schmidt: Don't even matter.
Schmidt: You can't volunteer right after...
Big Schmidt: I'm in the game now.

Joan Day: I won't tell her if you don't.
Bob Day: Tell her about what? [Joan jumps into his arms]

Big Schmidt: We doing this or not?
Schmidt: I'm going in.
Winston: Mmm. Mmm.
Schmidt: What's up, bro?
Winston: What's up?
Schmidt: No. Face smells like a dude's face. Not for me.

Schmidt: Okay, well, then it's off. Game over.
Big Schmidt: No. No way. Winston?
Winston: Hmm?
Big Schmidt: All day! [kisses Winston]
Winston: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Big Schmidt: I did it. And I'm the one true Schmidt!
Schmidt: You got it, man. You can be Schmidt. I'm...
Winston: You should not do that on Thanksgiving.
Big Schmidt: I kissed a dude! Oh, I miss Krista. You know, she had a little mustache, too?
Schmidt: I know she did. You okay... Schmidt?
Big Schmidt: Yes... I am... Schmidt.