Winston: What's with all the crappy beer, man? You hate that stuff.
Schmidt: Let's just say that my cousin doesn't exactly have the most sophisticated palate. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota, he actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue's minivan. It's been that way since we were kids. Made my life a living hell.

Winston: Please tell me he's going to sit on you when he gets here.
Schmidt: He's a good guy, I'm telling you, he's totally changed.
Winston: Okay.
Schmidt: He settled down with this great woman named Krista. She's coming. Actually went Legoland with them last year. He didn't pressure me to go on any of the rides I wasn't comfortable with.

Winston: What's up, man? Winston.
Big Schmidt: Nice to meet you, I'm Schmidt.
Schmidt: I actually go by Schmidt, uh, around here.
Big Schmidt: There can only be one ... you know the rule. Ah! Look at that right there.
Schmidt: Where's Krista?
Big Schmidt: Krista and I have a new arrangement.
Schmidt: Okay.
Big Schmidt: I, uh, I can sleep with whoever I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me any more.

Jess: Guys, it doesn't have to be like this. Mom. you're in a great place with your practice. Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you, but it's been months.
Bob Day: Jess. What are you...?
Jess: I'm sorry, I thought, I thought, I ... I'm s ... I thought everyone knew. You grieved so publicly on Instagram ... all those pictures of sad trees and, and your lunches.

Cece: Jess, no.
Jess: Parent trap.

Big Schmidt: Oh, would you look at that? She's spectacular. Wow.
Schmidt: Well, you know, we used to date, right?
Big Schmidt: You, Schmiggle?
Schmidt: Schmidt.
Big Schmidt: Please.
Schmidt: Cece, can you please come over here and confirm our intercourse? And then I dumped her 'cause I was like, you know, whatever.

Winston: Well, I'll tell you what, if you guys want to find out who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest.
Schmidt: I'm listening.
Big Schmidt: Go on.
Winston: The winner of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt.
Schmidt: Yes.
Big Schmidt: It is on.
Cece: What are you doing?
Winston: I'm bored.
Cece: Nice.

Jess: The trap has been set.
Nick: Is is working?
Jess: Mm-hmm. Croce makes my mom frisky. Check it out.
Nick: Oh, hey, your mom looks great.
Jess: Really? Go hit on her.
Nick: What?
Jess: My dad gets super jealous. So if you go lay some sweet game on her...

Bob Day: It's all right, Joan, you don't have to do it. You want, you can go back to your basting.
Joan Day: What, did you get a little jealous, Bob?
Bob Day: Of that idiot? What, are you kidding me? You know, she's really got to stop doing this. She's so stubborn.
Joan Day: Wonder where she got that? Did she ever text you some photos?
Bob Day: You mean of you in the shower?
Joan Day: Yeah.
Bob Day: I got 'em.
Joan Day: I was just wondering.
Bob Day: Eh, maybe I was a little jealous.

Winston: Seems to me like this whole thing is a draw. I mean, You did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle. You belched longer, he farted louder. You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch. I mean, Schmidt, how much more can you take?