Jess: Aren't they cute?
Nick: Cute as a mute. That's a thing. People-people say that.
Jess: Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it?
Nick: No, it isn't.
Jess: Hey, Nick... you were right. He should've been here. I need a guy who shows up. 'Cause anything else just isn't real.
Nick: Jess, you should, uh, know something, too. I touched both your mother's breasts in a communal womb earlier today. I didn't do it on purpose, but there it is.
Jess: Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.
Nick: It's a relief to get it off my shoulders. Thanks for being cool about it. I'll leave you alone.

Jess: Last stop on the tour. Um... it's Crush Pond. So... say a name in your head and throw the rock in the pond, and they'll love you forever. Um, and for the record, that's actually never worked. [laughs]
Coach: So we're gonna do it anyways?
Jess: Yeah.
Coach: We're really gonna do this?
Schmidt: I got a big one.

Winston: [singsongy] I know who your rock is for.
Cece: Winston, you better shut up before I knock that fade right off your head.
Winston: [chuckles] You don't know me like that, Cece. I swear...
Cece: Oh, I know you like that, trust me. Swear to God...

Coach: Uh, I'm gonna say Detroit Pistons.
Nick: You're not getting it, man.
Coach: What-what is it?
Nick: You got to say, like, a lady's name.
Coach: Oh. Gladys.
Nick: A lady you know.
Coach: Oh.

Jess: To whoever you are, can't wait to meet you. And I hope you live close by. Three, two, one.