Cece: Can we just get two guest passes, please?
Concierge: Of course.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: That's a real thing... guest passes?
Concierge: Yes, sir.
Schmidt: Okay. It's a debit card.

Coach: Damn it. Really? Phone and a laptop? You're playing solitaire? Is that a keyboard? Dude, come on!

Jess: This is where Ryan lives.
Nick: Whoa!
Winston: What?
Nick: It's a gorgeous mansion.
Jess: He said it was casual. Does "casual" mean something very different in England? Like... like "we own England"?
Nick: That's some McDuck money! That's "do whatever I want" money.

Jess: Is that a falcon wearing a necklace?

Bartender: Can I help you?
Jess: Sir... I'd like the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don't like it. Thank you.

Santa: Looks like somebody's not so merry.
Jess: Come on. Are you...? [chuckles softly] Okay, um... that's silly. I really want this to be true.
Santa: What seems to be troubling you?
Jess: I just found out that my boyfriend is... is really rich, and there's no way his parents are gonna like me, and he's... Well, have you ever thought that the world is just full of sloths, and then one day, this beautiful lion walks in? Actually, you've probably never thought that way, Santa. Can I just go ahead and call you Santa? Anyway, should I just bail on this trip?
Santa: Hmm, sounds complicated. Why don't you come with me to the family bathroom, sit on my lap, and I'll give you the sleigh ride you'll never forget?
Jess: What? Santa!
Santa: North Pole. Player for life.
Barry: Get out of here! Pervert Santa! No cookies for you here, you white-bearded freak!

Barry: Well, well, well. If it isn't ol' Bangs LaRue.
Jess: Don't test me, sweetie. I'll put your head in a trash can.
Barry: Wow. [Jess chuckles] You and I are gonna drink.

Schmidt: He's coming over. [salutes] Hello, sir.
Robert: First time in the lounge?
Schmidt: [chuckling] Uh... What's that, now? Come on. Why would you say that?
Robert: Because of all the pillow squeezing. I get it. I get it. I was like you once. Where are you from?
Schmidt: I'm from New York. Uh, Manhattan, of course. Mainly the money and museum district. I can see the Central Park horses defecating from my window.
Robert: [chuckles] That's funny. So can I. Robert Goodwin.
Schmidt: All right. Schmidt.
Robert: Mind if I sit? Please, go ahead.

Nick: All right, here's what we got to do. We got to convince a bunch of people not to fly, and then we're at the top of the list. It's foolproof... unless it doesn't work. Then it didn't work, so I think we got a 50-50 chance to do
it, so let's do it.

Nick: What's up, boys? [points to the pilots] Those are the guys I was just drinking with at the bar. Are you sure you guys can fly a plane? I'm sure it's not a big deal. I bet the weed will offset the booze. [later:] This could be it, so... if we all die on this plane, was it worth it? I say yeah, let's get to Chicago. Who cares? It's snowing there.