Jess: And then he sent me this text.
Barry: Oh, my God. Where's Anna and Mr. Bates? Do you watch Downton?
Jess: Yeah.
Barry: I know it's a soap opera, but I like it.
Jess: It's not even about the money.
Barry: That's big.
Jess: It's like every new piece of information I get about him just makes him more and more out of my league. He'll be nice about it, but the moment I get there, everybody will know I don't belong there. Am I being dumb?
Barry: No. Did I ever tell you about that time I met my ex-boyfriend's family over the holidays?
Jess: I've known you for 20 minutes.
Barry: Well, it was worse than the last season of Scrubs. A teaching hospital? Come on!

Elf: [sings] Gingy, who did you harm? Gingy, who ate your arm?
Gingerbread Man: It was... Santa! [thunder rumbles]
Elf: No!
Ryan: This is pretty dark.
Elf: We will rescue you, Gingy!
Jess: [to Ryan] Wait till they get to the North Pole to avenge his death and take it way too far.
Elf: [sings] Santa's been a bad boy, and that's not right The white-bearded devil's gonna die tonight! [screaming]
Jess: But I'm proud of that. They worked really hard on it.

Nick: I can help who's next. Sir?
Debbie: Uh, sir, he doesn't work here.
Nick: Oh, yes, I do.
Debbie: Uh, no, you...
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. Your flight's been canceled.
Debbie: The flight has not been canceled.
Nick: Flight's been canceled.
Debbie: Security!
Nick: Security! Please get this woman out of here! She's wearing a fake outfit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't know...
Nick: Debbie, don't start with me. You're in a mood.

Ryan: Oh, my gosh.
Jess: All this sneaking around, I feel like gay guys in the '50s.

Jess: I can't believe you're going to London tonight. I'm gonna miss you so much.
Ryan: Come with me.
Jess: What?
Ryan: Spend Christmas with my family in London.
Jess: That's, like, skipping seven relationship steps.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Jess: Do you really want your whole family to meet the weird American girl that you're making out with in a prop closet who's also your boss?

Jess: Everything's been going really, really well. What if I use the wrong fork?
Ryan: You won't use the wrong fork, 'cause I'll make sure that you-you don't. No, it'll be very casual. And I don't care what they think, 'cause I like you, and I want to spend Christmas with you in London.
Jess: I've never been to Europe. I...
Ryan: We'll stroll through Hyde Park, empty townhouses owned by Russian billionaires. We're gonna go to Big Ben. I'll take on-on the wheel, the Eye. We'll eat cheese on the wheel and-and make out. Uh, we're gonna ride black taxicabs even to places where we don't need to go and we're not invited.
Jess: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jess: Hey, Coach, what's taking you so long? There he is.
Coach: I know what you're all thinking. You think I'm selfish for going on vacation instead of going to Detroit to see my family.
Jess: Not thinking that; very defensive. I live with a million people.
Winston: Four people.
Coach: There are going to be a million people at my mother's house. I need some me time. And yes, I will be sad to miss my baby niece and all of her Christmas joy, but I've made a decision that I'm happy with, and it hasn't been giving me stomach pains.

Jess: Cece and Schmidt, you're on the red-eye.
Schmidt: The red-eye? What do I look like, a 24-year-old who's too afraid to break up with his college girlfriend? I mean, thank you for this.

Barry: Next.
Jess: Hi.
Barry: Hi.
Jess: First and foremost, I'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas.
Barry: Next.
Jess: Uh, right. [chuckles] Um, my friends are trying to get on the Chicago flight. Uh, Winston Bishop and Nick Miller.
Barry: Yeah, standby, tenth and 11th on the list.
Jess: I really appreciate that, but... is there any way you could get...
Barry: Nope. And now they're 12th and 13th.
Jess: I'm sorry. I was...
Barry: Don't apologize. 14, 15.
Jess: I didn't apologize.
Barry: 16, 17.

Jess: Sir. You seem like a reasonable person.
Barry: I'm not and you're at 18 and 19.
Jess: Okay. [Barry blows a raspberry] You know what? You want mean, I'll give you mean. I hope your mom falls down the stairs and she hurts parts of herself.
Barry: I hate my mom. Back to 16 and 17.
Jess: Thank you.
Barry: Don't thank me. 18, 19.
Jess: It's Christmas.
Barry: Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they just did a black version of Annie for no reason. 20, 21.
Jess: You...
Barry: 22, 23.
Jess: But...
Barry: 24, 25.
Jess: Sir.
Barry: They're on the wing, dear. Next?